


Every Other Beautiful World

by rhiannonhero



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe, Multi, Series Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-05 23:37:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 43,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhiannonhero/pseuds/rhiannonhero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things are unexpected but still inevitable in every beautiful world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Colonel Carter, this is it -- another unscheduled off-world activation using Dr. McKay's IDC. It's from the same source."

Sam touched her headset and issued orders to the soldiers guarding the gate. "This is the one we've been expecting. Hold your fire unless fired upon."

John Sheppard and Rodney McKay hastened into the control room, followed by Ronon and Teyla. Sam acknowledged them but kept her eyes focused on the gate. She had expected a near instantaneous emergence from the event horizon, but the seconds ticked slowly by. Three, four, five…

Suddenly a body hurled backwards through the event horizon as though flung through. A scream rang against the walls of the gate room, and Sam flinched. Three other objects flew past the person, landing with a thud on the floor. The guards trained their guns briefly on the packs on the ground and then swung back again.

The gate deactivated and the scream ended abruptly, though the echo remained. Sam's complete focus was on the person who was now crouching. Slowly, the person rose from the floor, hands raised and body shaking, and a a woman's long hair and soft form was revealed. As she turned to face the control room, the swell of her stomach showed that she was heavy with child.

Three guards broke ranks and quickly investigated the packs. One spoke, "All clear, ma'am. Just clothes and that kind of thing– "

"Careful with that one," the woman spoke to the third guard rummaging through two bags, her voice shaking but firm. "Those crystals are delicate and contain my father's research." The woman stepped toward the bags, but stopped when the guns all raised on her simultaneously.

Sam announced from the control room, "This is Colonel Samantha Carter—"

The woman's eyes darted to the window of the control room and her expression tumbled through a series of emotions as her eyes ran over Sam and Teyla, and then lingered longer on Rodney and John. The woman looked away immediately after a quick glance at Ronon.

"Who are you and why are you here?" Sam continued.

She whispered something to herself, something inaudible, and then she spoke up, "My name's Addie, and I mean no harm. I am…seeking shelter." Her voice, constricted with fear, sounded younger than the twenty-some years that she appeared to be. "My world – my reality, has been destroyed." She appeared lost for a moment, but then she continued. "Didn't…I mean, did you get my father's message?" Her eyes darted to Rodney and then away again.

"We got a message, yes, from a Rodney McKay," Sam said.

"Yes. My father. Rodney McKay."

Sam glanced at Rodney whose eyes had grown huge. John's hand clamped on Rodney's shoulder and squeezed. Ronon stepped closer to John, and Teyla murmured, "I did not expect this."

"_You_ didn't expect it," Rodney choked out. "That's impossible, utterly and completely impossible."

Sam continued to speak to the woman in the gate room. "Please allow the guards to escort you to our medical office for an examination. We will meet with you afterwards for further discussion."

Addie began walking but stopped short at that. "All of you?"

"Yes. Would you prefer it otherwise?"

Addie shook her head and looked completely lost. "I don't know."

Sam cocked her head at this comment, and watched as Addie walked out the door with the armed guards.

 

::::

John sat next to Ronon in the conference room adjoining the medical facility, watching through the one-way window as the doctor examined Addie. Ronon had his hand on the back of John's chair in a supportive gesture that no one seemed to notice except for John.

Rodney, however, was clearly in need of a shoring up. He alternated between blathering and stunned silence. John cleared his throat and, in a effort to break the eyes, teased, "Congratulations, Rodney. It looks like you're gonna be a grampa."

"_That_ cannot be my daughter. Not in any reality." Rodney indicated the girl through the window. "For one thing, I'd never name a child Addie. That's a name for dogs or possibly an extraordinarily dog-like cat, but for a child? I think not. Never. Now, a name like Agnes, perhaps, given the illustrious historical and scientific associations of the name, but – - and, and, and – look at her hair! I've never had hair like that, and her eyes. Brown eyes. Do my eyes look brown to you?"

"She's not your clone," Ronon said, gripping John's chair a little tighter.

"Yeah, well, clearly she's much too old to be my kid. I didn't even lose my virginity until my twenty-fourth birthday, not that you needed to know that, and don't laugh, Kirk," he said, pointing at John. "Not all of us can be intergalactic romantic conquerors—"

Sam interrupted, "Rodney, you're forgetting the difference in the timelines. You were the one to notice that anomaly, remember?" She clearly did not care to get any deeper into details of Rodney or John's sex life.

"Right," Rodney agreed, diverted from his former line of thought. "The timeline from which her reality contacted ours was, what? Approximately thirty years in advance of ours?"

"Twenty-eight, I believe." Addie's voice was soft and she stood in the doorway cradling her pregnant stomach, looking at Rodney and no one else. "That's what my father estimates. According him, he's never wrong. According to the rest of us, he's only rarely so."

Rodney lifted his chin in agreement. "Well, there have been a very few occasions—"

"Yeah, like the solar system you destroyed," John muttered.

"You'll never let me live that down. One little mistake—"

"One? Little?"

"I think I can have this fight for you both," Addie said, hollowly, sitting down in the empty chair. "Let's move on. Personally, I don't need to hear it again."

"Your Rodney blew up a solar system, as well?" Teyla asked.

"So I only heard about five million times," Addie said, averting her eyes, a soft smile beginning and ending on her lips. "I suppose it doesn't matter now, though. In the end. It's all gone. It's just me –" She touched her stomach. "Well, us."

"Okay," Sam said, trying to corral the conversation. "About that. Let's begin there. What happened in your reality to send you to us?"

Addie sighed. "This is all unexpected for me. I don't know what to say, or what I should say. You see, other timelines, other realities, they aren't just like this one or the one I came from, if I reveal too much, then perhaps whatever was going to come to pass simply won't. I don't know--"

John leaned forward, and put his hands on the table. "With all due respect, ma'am – " Addie's eyes flashed in amusement for a brief moment but then deaded again as John continued on. "Just by coming here you've changed the future of this timeline. Let's take a leap of faith and assume that by telling us everything you can, in hopes that we can possibly prevent what happened in your timeline from happening here in our future."

Addie remained silent, looking at John with a strange expression.

"Fine, then," John said, "If that doesn't make you want to talk, how about just accepting that there isn't going to be any going back. If you want this baby to have any kind of life outside of a prisoner of this lovely underground facility, you might want to start talking."

Addie pressed her lips together as though she were trying not to cry or smile, possibly both, and then released a shaky sigh. "Can you give me a moment before applying the screws?"

Teyla said, "Addie, at the gate you said that one of the bags that came along with you contained your father's research, you must have both been aware that by bringing that information to this reality, you would permanently change it. Why do you hesitate to speak now?"

Addie's eyes lifted to meet Teyla's, holding her gaze for a moment, she finally looked away, glanced toward Ronon, and then back down at her hands. "I admit that was discussed and it was determined that the value of his research, especially the weapons technologies that were developed in the fight against the Wraith, would be immeasurable, and could rewrite your futures in ways that we can't imagine, but can only hope would be best for all involved. But, you are right, I must speak."

John lifted his eyebrows but he leaned back in his seat, watching as Addie brushed her dark hair out of her eyes and seemed to gather herself. She took a deep swallow of her water, and lowered her eyes to the table, in order not to look at them as she spoke, he supposed. "It started three years ago, as my father said in his message."

"The message didn't make it through intact. It was garbled and confusing at best," Sam said.

"I see." Addie bit her lip. "Well, we aren't sure how it started, though we surmise it began with an experiment conducted by some rogue Wraith hive ships." Here Addie stopped and said, "The Wraith were defeated, you understand, sometime before my fifteenth birthday. Hive ships were not allowed to grow to their former sizes. It was part of the treaty, but there were always a few who pushed the limits, and there were several that had managed to keep their old ways."

"Defeated? How?" John asked, leaning forward again, intent upon Addie's face, noting the freckles on her nose, and the way her lashes lay like soft sweeps of brown against her cheek.

"Well, that information, including how to build the weapon that ultimately destroyed them, is recorded at length in the data my father sent, but, essentially, it destroyed the Wraith's ability to feed on humans."

Sam touched her headset. "Get Radek from Atlantis and have him start work immediately with the other scientists on those crystals." Sam then asked Addie to continue.

"We first discovered it three years ago, and it has been growing more rapidly than we originally imagined. At first, we assumed it would take a generation to reach us, maybe even more, but it has gathered energy and is expanding at a rate beyond our former expectations. My…um, well, our John Sheppard believed that a group of rogue Wraiths had been working on a way to escape their state of starvation by use of time/matter bridges. In fact, my father worked on a similar experiment but had to shelve it. Once it began, though, we had little hope but to reopen his work and Radek and my father were able to find an alternate way that involved gate travel."

"And this 'it' you refer to?" Teyla asked.

"A rift," Rodney interjected. "A rift in their universe, created, I assume, by the Wraith's experiments with bridge technology."

"Yes. We have been working on a way to save ourselves, to exit our time line and reality, but we do not—I mean, did not have the power to sustain contact with a gate in another reality long enough to pass the population of our city through. To send the initial message alone exhausted one of the two ZPMs we had left, and despite their best efforts Radek and my father had not managed to complete the construction of a ZPM before…well, before."

"Fascinating," Rodney murmured. "How close were they, if you don't mind me asking, is that information included in the—"

Addie held up her hand and said, "I'm afraid that for further technological details, you'll have to consult the information in the bags thrown through the gate. There would have been more sent, a lot more, but…I resisted leaving and…some time was wasted."

John glanced around the table, exchanging confused expressions with Sam, and an intense look with Teyla. He rolled his eyes to see that Rodney seemed to still be musing about the possibilities contained in the crystals from the future alternate reality, and Ronon was staring at Addie as though searching for the best place to bury a knife. Addie herself looked pale and lost.

"I didn't want to come, you see," Addie said.

John swallowed hard. "You're here against your will?"

"Yes. They forced me to leave them."

"Why you?" Sam asked. "Why were you sent?"

Addie closed her eyes and brought a trembling hand to touch her eyelids. Teyla said, "I think we should give you a moment."

"I don't," Ronon said. "I want to know why we should believe you."

Addie's lips twisted and tears fell from her eyes. "You don't have to believe me. I can't change the truth, though."

"Ronon—" Sam said in warning.

"Okay, answer this, if this data was so important, why didn't McKay send himself?" Ronon asked.

John waited. It was a reasonable question, though perhaps Ronon could have had more grace in the asking.

Addie lifted gaze to Ronon and her arch reply surprised him. "Surely, you don't think my father would choose his own life over his daughter?" She flushed. "Excuse me, I forget myself. This McKay," and she indicated Rodney, "is not my father, and perhaps _he_ might deserve that opinion, but when it comes to the McKay who was _my_ father, well, if my husband hadn't thrown me through the gate, I am quite sure that he would have."

"About that," John began.

Rodney interrupted, "I'm sorry, but just who are you? You claim to be a child of some future, alternate Rodney McKay but that is incredibly improbable. I'd give the chances at less than 1 in 100,000,000."

John shot him a disgusted look. "Rodney, please—"

Addie said, "What do you want me to say? It's the truth."

"Sorry, I suppose I need a little more than your word on it," Rodney replied.

Addie closed her eyes again, took another sip of her water, and asked, "How about this? You always planned to name a daughter Agnes for Maria Agnesi. Is that proof enough?"

Rodney's expression was confirmation and astonishment.

Addie continued, "But, you see, my mother refused to saddle a child with that name, and insisted that I be called for her older sister who died as a teenager -- Adelaide. Agnes is my middle name."

Rodney began to cough. John pounded him on the back as Addie continued, "My…well, John always called me Addie. That's the name that stuck."

Rodney's eyes were so wide that John feared he might be having a heart attack. "Jennifer? Your mother is Jennifer Keller?" Rodney asked.

"Well, not _your_ Jennifer Keller, but my Jennifer Keller." Addie covered her face, and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I need a break."

"I think we can arrange that," Sam said.

Addie began to stand up, but then dropped into her seat again. "May I ask one question? I know that you probably want to find out a lot more about me before you start to tell me anything, and that's fine, but…well, what are you doing here?" Addie indicated John, Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon as she spoke. "Why aren't you on Atlantis?"

"We'll answer that question later," Sam responded.

John caught Sam's eye and both nodded simultaneously. Ronon's hand landed on his shoulder as they both followed Sam's lead and stood up. Rodney didn't rise as Addie was escorted from the room.

John sat down again in the empty chair next to Rodney. Ronon stood behind him, and Teyla leaned across the table to take Rodney's hands, saying gently, "Rodney, I know this is unusual, but you must not allow this to affect you so deeply."

"Jennifer and I…but I haven't even asked her to marry me. I don't know if I want her to, of if she _wants_ kids. I mean, I guess she probably does, because most women do, and I owe it to posterity to pass on my genes, but I wasn't even sure if we'd still be together by Valentine's Day. I mean, should I book a hotel and a night at the opera, or just do a fancy dinner—"

"Rodney," John said, putting his arm around him. "Take deep breaths."

"I'm too young to be a father!" Rodney exclaimed.

"Rodney, she's not your daughter. She's not from this reality. Calm down."

"Besides, try grandfather," Ronon said.

Rodney made a sound like a stifled scream, stood up and stalked out of the room, waving his hands in warning that they not follow. Teyla sighed and gave Ronon a look that was meant to scold, but only made Ronon smile.

"Come on, Ronon," John chastised. "Give the guy a break. The hits just keep on coming and it isn't likely to let up any time soon."

"And what about you?" Ronon asked.

John rubbed a hand over his face and said, "Want to spar?"

"That bad, huh?" Ronon said, leading the way out of the room. John followed him without reply, his chest tight and his stomach rolling. Ronon verbalizing any aspect of what they both understood about John's feelings made him as uncomfortable as anything else that had happened during the day.

::::

**Two Weeks Earlier**

"Colonel Carter – we have an unscheduled off-world activation."

Sam touched her headset and nodded a dismissal to the sergeant she'd been debriefing since his return from M5918, a planet relatively abandoned, and a plentiful source of iron ore. "Copy that, Control Room."

"It's Dr. McKay's IDC, Colonel."

Sam rose quickly from her desk, and started toward the gate. "Dr. McKay?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"But Dr. McKay is on site helping with the Wraith weapons technology, correct?"

"Yes, ma'am. We've confirmed his presence on base."

"I'll be there immediately." Sam picked up the pace as she rushed toward the Control Room and touched her headset again. "Dr. McKay, report to the control room immediately."

Within moments of arrival in the control room the gate deactivated leaving everyone relieved and scrambling for answers. "Has there been a security breach? Is there anyone who would know your IDC, Rodney?"

"Of course not," McKay had answered, affronted at the very suggestion that he'd leaked his own IDC to anyone at all. "Here, let me see," he said, shoving someone forcibly from their seat. "What's the message?"

"It's scrambled. We can't make heads or tails of it."

McKay waved his hand and bent over the keyboard. "What's the source?" He tapped away, and then said, "What? How can this be? Pegasus Galaxy. What…wait…wait…oh, wow, this is…oh, how is this possible?" He tapped on the keyboard more and more quickly, his eyes growing bigger and bigger.

"Spit it out, McKay," Sam commanded.

"That message – it's difficult to explain, and I don't even know how it could--but it's from Atlantis."

"Atlantis is sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at the moment, receiving repairs and awaiting orders, Rodney," Sam said. "Are you saying it is back in Pegasus?"

 

"No, I'm saying that _this_ Atlantis is in Pegasus. According to the timestamp on the message, it may have been there for quite some time. As in a very, very, very long time."

Sam took a slow breath, catching on. "Rodney, what you're talking about isn't even possible. Not without risking a rift."

"Well, whether or not it's possible, they've done it. Someone on another Atlantis has done it. This message is not only from another reality but from a future time in that reality. The file is corrupted by the travel through space and time. It's like the fabric of the message has been ripped to shreds."

"Can you repair it?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. It's unlikely. I mean, what we're talking about is incredibly complex, and would probably take several weeks or more with the most highly skilled data -- "

"Move over," Sam said, preparing to sit down and begin working on the message herself.

Rodney blocked the way. "No, no…I can do it. Just give me a little time."

"Two days," Sam said. "You're needed with the Wraith technology."

Rodney only needed fifteen hours. The message's visual component could not be saved, and so they had to be content with a decrepit and static-filled audio only, but the voice was clearly McKay's -- older and heavy with futility, but McKay's all the same.

"…have been working on a way to save ourselves… send this message …exhaust one of the two ZedPMs we have left… only moments to send it through."

"Send what through?" Sam asked under breath, having listened several more times, her eyes distant as she pondered the possibilities. Rodney rambled on about the message, the dates, the probabilities of this future alternate reality contacting theirs, and each comment clicked in her mind as though a list was being checked off.

Sam touched her headset and issued the command to have John Sheppard flown in as soon as possible. She stood with her hands folded in front of her, gazing at the gate as Rodney tapped away on the computer behind her, trying to correct the audio. She'd already made up her mind.

::::

**The Present**

Addie had been with them for several days when Teyla ,holding Torin to her chest, approached Addie to talk. The woman sat on a cot in an otherwise rather barren room, a tray of food half-eaten beside her on the floor. Teyla knew that they intended to move her to more upscale quarters as soon as some paperwork had been completed.

"Good evening," Teyla began. "This is my son, Torin."

Addie looked confused for a moment, and then offered, "He's very handsome."

Teyla looked down at her son's chubby, smiling face, and kissed the top of his head. Torin struggled to be put down, so Teyla sat him on the floor. "He was with his father at a nearby hotel, but I summoned him to me because I wished to introduce him to you."

Addie looked at the boy crawling on the floor toward her tray of food and placed a hand on her own stomach. Teyla observed the expression on Addie's face and said, "I believe from the look on your face that there was no Torin in your reality?"

Addie swallowed and looked at Teyla. "No, I'm sorry. There wasn't. I don't recall ever hearing of our Teyla having a child."

"And this frightens you?" Teyla asked, finding that the idea of a reality without Torin rather frightening, too.

Addie relaxed a little on the cot, and indicated the space next to her. "Yes, it does."

Teyla sat down where Addie had offered on the cot and took a long look. Addie was a pretty enough woman, not stunning, and yet not unappealing. Teyla could see the amalgam of her parents – Rodney's nose and Jennifer's heart-shaped face, and there was something odd, something she'd noticed in the debriefing -- Addie's expressions and hand motions tended to be a lot like Rodney's, yes, but also there were fleeting glimpses of something that reminded Teyla of John, as well.

"I'm told that I look like my mother's side of the family," Addie said, responding to Teyla's inspection.

"I could not judge the accuracy of that observation."

Torin crawled over and tugged on Teyla's pants, making a hand signal asking to nurse. "Do you mind? He is hungry," Teyla asked, as she pulled Torin to her chest, opened her shirt and began to feed her son.

Addie shook her head and waved her hand, looking at Torin's small feet kicking about as he nestled against Teyla's breast. Teyla didn't say anything for a few moments, gauging how best to bring the topic up again, when Addie began of her own accord.

"If there was no Torin where I'm from then this truly is a different world, isn't it? It is like a strange mirror, where everyone is younger and somehow _wrong_."

"I can imagine that you find this confusing."

Addie covered her eyes with one hand and took a deep breath. "It is all that I can do right now to keep breathing, knowing that everyone I love is dead. Poof – as though they never existed. At least I don't think any of them suffered physical pain, but the emotional pain of the final hours had to be unendurable for so many of them."

"Did your people not find some kind of peace in the end?" Teyla asked.

Addie let her hands drop to her stomach but kept her eyes closed. "In some ways, those of us who knew what was coming found ways to express our love and joy to one another. Though, there was always the underlying panic, and the despair – and, of course, my father's frantic work. And then there was my…John, and in some ways it was hardest for him and for the warriors like…like…well, like Ronon."

"Such men find it difficult to sit idle as the world falls apart."

"Yes, exactly," Addie said, her breath catching. "I'm sorry. I'm overwhelmed."

"I know, what you are experiencing must be incredibly difficult to process. As time passes, this will be easier to understand."

"I don't think it will," Addie said, cupping her hands over her stomach. "My child's father will never know him."

"I do understand what you are feeling. There was a time during my term with Torin that we feared his father lost—"

"This is different. I've lost everything – my people, my home, my life."

"I, too, lost everything, in some ways several times over, narrowly escaping a Wraith culling, leaving my world, and eventually claiming Atlantis as my home."

Addie remained silent.

"Another among us that will understand your pain, for he too has lost everything, is Ronon. I know that he presents himself as brusque and hard, but beneath that surface is a great deal of kindness."

Addie gasped a little and tears began to fall.

"Perhaps you will take some time to talk with him?"

Addie shook her head. "I don't think I can."

Teyla didn't answer, instead shifting Torin to her other breast, cradling his warm body to her skin.

"I do understand," Teyla said after the silence seemed interminable.

Addie broke into hard tears. "No, no you can't understand. There's so much—I don't know where to start. In some ways I feel like I could walk out of here and begin my old life, but I can't do that, can I?"

"No, you cannot. I can only imagine your grief."

Addie was silent for some time before asking, "I take it that here, in this timeline, Jennifer Keller is still alive?"

Teyla nodded.

"Do you know that I've never known my mother? She died in a Wraith attack when I was only a few months old."

"I am sorry for your loss."

Addie waved off her condolences. "And now, there's a woman here whom I could meet, but it wouldn't be her. It wouldn't be the woman that my father loved and married, it would be this other person, whom I'm quite sure doesn't want _this_ in her life." She indicated herself and her pregnant stomach. "And the crazy thing is, given everything that I've lost, and how backwards everything seems to me here, I'm still scared that I can't handle that rejection, even though it isn't her. It isn't my mom."

"Jennifer is a very good woman. She would want to ease any pain that she could."

Addie shook her head, waving her hands. "Please, don't say that. I can't hear that right now."

Teyla watched as Addie tried to hold back tears but eventually lost the ability. "I told him, Teyla. I told him that I didn't want to be the one. I said that I wanted to stay with him, but he wouldn't-- And now, they're—" The sobs became too intense for Addie to speak.

"They are gone and you need to grieve," Teyla murmured, pulling Addie to her shoulder with her free arm, holding the woman as she cried, Torin's body and Addie's unborn child felt ungainly between them, but holding her as tightly as she could anyway.

::::

John stood behind the one way mirror, watching Teyla comfort the woman. He turned to Sam and said, "Just what the hell are we going to do about this?"

Sam shook her head. "What can we do? There's no 'back' to which to send her. She doesn't appear to be a security risk, beyond a risk to herself, of course. We can't release her to the public at this time, she wouldn't be able to cope, and the emotional trauma she's undergone is severe, beyond the scope of what most human beings will want to endure. She'd be institutionalized if she was lucky and homeless if she wasn't. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like for her to lose this child, too, after all that she's already lost."

"When will the shrinks get a crack at her?"

"Tomorrow afternoon, once we've had an opportunity to debrief her a bit more, confirm again that she isn't a security risk. Then we set about trying to access the crystals she brought with her, and doing whatever is necessary to acclimate her to this reality, so that we can have her functioning on her own as quickly as possible."

John nodded; most of his suspicions had dissolved in the course of the last few days, and had completely vanished in watching Addie interact with Teyla. The level of fear in the woman was difficult to fake, and the numbness she displayed amongst bouts of tears and weeping seemed appropriate and genuine. He felt for her.

John wrapped one arm around his torso, and scratched his chin with his other hand, observing through the glass as Teyla and Addie began to talk again, and even to laugh a little at some of Torin's antics. Addie's smile was fragile, but sweet. John could see a little of Rodney in her face, but she looked more like Jennifer to him.

John had never wanted to be in love with Rodney McKay. In fact, he fought it harder than he'd fought the Wraith, but Rodney and his damn mouth wouldn't go away. His mouth that never shut up unless there was food in it, and yet everything he said got under John's skin in one way or another, and every time Rodney stepped up and grew stronger as a team member, John wanted to reward him in ways utterly unfit for a commanding officer.

Rodney had never outright asked him, but John knew that he'd wondered why John was willing to sign up for whatever suicide mission came his way, and John would have liked to say that he was just that damn brave and heroic, but there was also the underlying truth that when you'd fallen in disgustingly hopeless love with a straight, oblivious asshole, who happened to also be an important member of your team, sometimes being brave and heroic enough to get your ass killed seemed like a relief from the endless torture.

Though, when it came to emotional angst there were few things that lent perspective like the Pegasus Galaxy. When families were ripped apart daily by Wraith culling, and his life or someone else's life was on the edge of expiration every second of every day, well, his personal heartache over the one he could never have seemed pretty inconsequential. Until it hit him all over again.

When it came down to it, though, John wanted for Rodney what he'd never have for himself. Sex, love, family – passing on the McKay genetics—the whole enchilada and then some, which was another thing that sucked about being in love, because whenever he saw Rodney faltering on the road to achieving any of these very personal and yet important ends, his love for the man reared up, and he found himself in the position of nudging Rodney back onto the path, teasing or cajoling or encouraging, and trying to ignore how much it hurt.

There had been times, though – a few times, when John had dared to think that maybe Rodney felt something for him, too. Rodney's irrational jealousy over Chaya, the endless accusations of womanizing when John hadn't been with a woman in years, they way Rodney sometimes looked at him when he thought John wasn't looking, or when he just couldn't seem to control his face.

And yet, nothing had happened. How could it? John was the military commander of Atlantis, and Rodney was the chief scientist, and _it could never happen_. It would never happen. And as far as John was concerned, he'd prefer that no one ever know, but that wasn't the case.

John remembered the night he stood on the Atlantis far pier, staring out at the line of the horizon. He'd heard the distinct thud of Ronon's steps running up behind him. John knew there was no emergency, and he wasn't surprised, either, when Ronon cut his run short to stand beside John and watch the stars come out.

John hadn't even been shocked when Ronon asked him, "Does he know you're in love with him?"

John had shrugged. Did Rodney know? John doubted it. John hoped not. John thought that deep down Rodney did. John knew that Rodney would never be the one to bring it up, that he'd probably rather die, because despite Rodney being an asshole, he'd never want to hurt John…not on purpose.

Ronon never mentioned it again, either. He just stood by, with his strong, almost aggressive empathy. John found he appreciated it more than he would have imagined. Ronon's steady hand on the back of his chair had helped him to weather more than one moment of personal angst. But in the scheme of life, his personal angst was meaningless. It had to be.

"John?"

John startled out of his reverie, and found himself still standing in front of the one way mirror, one hand on his mouth, the other clamped firmly around his torso, staring intently at a now empty room.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure. I just…you know." John nodded at the glass, indicating the woman who was no longer in the room. "There's a lot to consider."

"Right. Okay, well, why don't you get back to your apartment and get some rest. The psychologists should be in tonight and we'll go from there."

John followed her out of the room, trying to leave behind the sense that this woman, this Addie, somehow proved any remaining ounce of hope he'd ever had false. Yes, it was hard to ignore the cavernous hole that the truth opened up--big enough for an entire reality to collapse into.

::::

 

Rodney stood by the empty pool at the apartment the military kept for him near Cheyenne Mountain. He ignored the ringing of his phone. It was Jennifer. He knew this because she'd added Queen's "Somebody to Love" as the ring tone for her number on their fifteenth date. _Can anybody find meeeeee…Somebody toooooooooooooooo…loooooooove!_

He wasn't sure what to say to her. Sam had given him permission to discuss the situation with anyone on the Atlantis team with whom he felt it was appropriate, and that definitely included Jennifer. But he didn't know how to begin. "Hey, it turns out that in another reality, you and I get married and have a kid. A girl. You name her Adelaide and I name her Agnes and we all lived happily ever after or some such thing until the universe imploded due to a time-space rift. Still up for dinner when I get back from this little trip to Cheyenne Mountain?"

It was so unfair. Things were finally, _finally_ happening with a woman – a beautiful, smart, brave, funny woman who, most importantly, _liked Rodney back_. It was, of course, too good to be true, which is why this was happening to him now. Rodney had little doubt that this woman, Addie, was going to screw up everything.

God, why? Seriously, why couldn't the other McKay have just sent along information? Was the girl really necessary? And, worse, this was probably going to be just like the situation with Rod. (And just _how_ did he manage to get people to call him that?) Everyone liked him better than Rodney – even his sister. Oh, God – his sister. What was he going to tell her? She'd probably want to take Addie home and have her for Christmas and make her part of the family. Okay, he wasn't going to tell Jeannie anything at all. She didn't need to know.

It was a disaster. The only saving grace was the information the other McKay had sent. Rodney wanted nothing more than to get back to Atlantis and start work immediately on trying to find and implement the Wraith-weapon that Addie had mentioned. Every moment away from his lab hindered his work in that regard, and it was probably going to be the only good thing to come out of it all.

"Hey."

Rodney nearly jumped out of his skin. Ronon was standing less than two feet behind him, and Rodney felt the heat of Ronon's breath on his ear as he spoke his single word of greeting.

"Holy crap, what are you part leopard? How did you _do_ that, and more importantly _why_ did you do that? I nearly had a heart attack, and right when all kinds of future, incredibly important scientific data had fallen into my hands. What a waste that would have been. And what would you have told my sister? 'I just had to sneak up on him while he was staring into a swimming pool contemplating his screwed up life, and, oops, I accidentally made him stroke out'!?!"

Ronon shrugged. "Yeah, something like that."

Rodney threw his hands up. "Well, fine, what do you want? Did you not insult me enough today in front of that woman?"

"Yeah, about that. I want to apologize."

"Really?" Rodney looked around, to see if this was some kind of joke on him.

"I'm sorry. You wouldn't choose yourself over your kid. If she even _is_ your kid."

"Yes, exactly. Thank you." Rodney said. "And, no, she's not my kid. She's a woman from some alternate reality. I don't have any responsibility for her. None at all. And I can say that with a clear conscience." Rodney smoothed his hands through the air, wiping it all away.

Ronon grunted.

"Say whatever you want, but I'm washing my hands of her. Done. I'm _done_. Except for the science part. And the interrogation, or debriefing, or whatever, but anything personal is done. I'm done with that. That pregnant woman? Not my problem. " Rodney laughed. "Ah, that felt good. See? I'm not freaking out anymore."

Rodney's cell phone began to ring again. _Can anybody find meeeeee…_ Rodney grabbed the phone from his pocket and threw it into the pool.

"Not freaking out." Ronon said.

"Oh, shut up."

::::

Addie wondered if they knew that she had no illusions that she was alone. There were hidden cameras in the room, and behind the mirror that took up most of one wall was a one-way watching room, she knew. She didn't blame them for their suspicions and realized that had the same thing taken place in her universe, the same precautions would have been taken.

She had refused the drugs that the doctor had prescribed to help her sleep. They wouldn't be good for the baby, and she didn't want to sleep, anyway, because she was afraid she'd dream of them, and then she'd wake up to discover them dead all over again.

Before the rift opened up, she'd always known her husband would die before her. He was much older, but she'd tried to ignore the truth for years. She had only just begun to face it when the rift had made it unnecessary.

Until the moment he'd grabbed her from their bed, carried her down the Atlantis hallways and pulled her into her father's lab -- where her dad had been working on making contact with a Stargate in another reality -- she'd thought of the rift as a terrible equalizer, removing the necessity of having to deal with her husband's death. In a way, it was a blessing she was grateful for; instead having to deal with the grief of losing everyone, even her unborn child before she even got to meet him, she'd be gone, too. That made it easier to accept.

During that time, she had cherished the way her child had rolled in her stomach all the more, knowing that it was the closest she'd ever be to motherhood, the closest she'd ever be to him both figuratively and literally. And then that blessed equalizer had been taken away from her. Ripped from her. By the man she trusted most.

She couldn't stop thinking about how he carried her through the crowded hallways, as mothers clutched their children, and tears of hopeless grief streaming down their faces. She saw fathers hugging sons to their chests, sobs wracking both bodies, and the empty, hollow, terrified eyes of the people who didn't have anyone to cling to at all. She'd wanted to reach out and comfort them, but there was no time, no pausing, or stopping, just the fast pace to the lab, and no words from her husband either, not after the initial, "Come on. It's time."

There had been some debate about whether or not to let the masses know what was coming, or if it would be more humane to just let them perish with no warning, their cells torn apart as the rift ate them alive. Eventually, John had overruled Rodney's version of mercy, and it was agreed that everyone should have at least a few hours notice; time enough to say goodbye and to express their love to the people who needed to hear it. That alone was a gift that most people never receive.

Addie had known about the rift long before many others. She was "just" a marine biologist according to her disappointed dad, but he'd never given up the hope that she'd abandon the soft sciences for something real. She enjoyed listening to his theories, learning at his elbow from childhood, so she'd been one of the people he'd talked with as the rift grew larger and at a faster rate than they'd hoped or imagined. It was a heavy burden to bear, but she'd been able to talk to her husband about it, and that had eased the pain and fear. Laying her head on his strong chest, listening to his heart beat, with the swell of her belly between them – it sometimes seemed right that it would all end just like this, because how could anything ever be better? It was too perfect to last.

She hadn't realized what they were planning to do until her husband took her into her father's lab. "No, I'm not the one" she'd said, clutching her stomach. "You can't do this. I won't go. I'm staying here with you. This is my life, and my choice. I won't go."

Her father had looked at her husband and they'd nodded. Addie knew that she'd been overruled. "But why?" she'd asked, she'd even begged. "Why me? Please. _Please._ I don't want to be the one. I want to stay with you. Send someone else. I want to end here with you."

"Addie, stop being ridiculous. This is it. This is all the time we've got," her father said from behind the computer that controlled the second gate they'd requisitioned from the gate bridge.

That's when she'd tried to run, and her husband had caught her, and carried her like a child. She clung to his neck, hanging on as tightly as she could. Shaking her head and struggling against him as he'd said, "I love you. Make sure that our baby knows who he is."

He was so strong. He broke her arms free of his neck and threw her into the event horizon.

Now, they were gone, and she was in another world. Addie rolled over in the bed clutching her stomach and began to cry, as the loss overwhelmed her again.

::::

Sam wasn't surprised to see Dr. Aaron Rivers in her office several afternoons later with a stack of files labeled _Adelaide McKay_.

The psychologist began, "We don't see any reason to suspect her story. There's no indication of deceit in her body language, facial expressions, nor in the various tests administered. All in all, she seems like a perfectly normal, though traumatized, twenty-four year old woman.

"Her concern for the well-being of her child is a good sign. It indicates that she is not inclined toward self-harm, and does point to a well-adjusted attitude toward the human race. It also gives her a purpose. At the same time, it'll be important that she not come to see the child as the entire embodiment of everything and everyone that she has lost. This is for her sake as well as the child's."

Sam said, "Dr. Rivers, I don't think I need of a complete analysis of Addie. We'd just like some input as to how best to handle her at this time. Clearly, we can't release her to the public. She is completely incapable of caring for herself right now, not to mention the security risk."

"Exactly, she knows far too much to be allowed introduction to the general population until we have determined that she has successfully dealt with the trauma, and she has been allowed to co-create a new persona and history for herself, so that she can become a contributing member of society."

"So, how do you propose we do that?" Sam prompted again.

"Well, yes," Dr. Rivers said, clearing his throat. "Our team of psychologists have debated this extensively, some feeling that it would be preferable for her to be given military housing somewhere nearby, forcing her to accept the reality of her loss in its full scope and weight, but most of us, including myself, concurred that minimizing the stress on her at this time will be most conducive to her mental health in the long run, allowing her to accept a little at a time the extent of her loss."

"And?"

"There's a bit of luck to this poor woman's situation in that Atlantis is, for the time being, still on Earth, until the NID authorizes its return to the Pegasus Galaxy."

Sam leaned back in her seat, watching the psychologist flip through his files. He continued, "We believe that allowing Adelaide McKay's transfer to Atlantis would be the most beneficial thing for her. She would then be in a familiar environment and would be allowed to come to terms with her new situation in a more gentle way."

Sam asked, "And what is the general consensus of the emotional anxiety and trauma that will come to the poor girl by being constantly exposed to people and places that she is, indeed, familiar with, and yet are entirely different from her reality. That seems more like torture than kindness, Dr. Rivers."

"I understand your hesitation, and believe me we fleshed this out entirely. Several of our team had their reservations, but it is still preferable, we believe, for her to come to terms with her loss in a place where she feels more at home."

"And what does Addie say about this?" Sam asked.

"She seemed eager to be transferred as soon as possible. We believe this will be an ideal middle ground for her. Needless to say, Dr. Franklin will keep her under close surveillance and supervision, and a member from our team, Dr. Mark Lowell, will join the Atlantis crew a few days after Ms. McKay's arrival, to give Dr. Franklin additional assistance."

When Sam approached John with the information, he balked at the news. "And just what do these psychologists plan to do about the emotional repercussions for _everyone else_ in that damn city? Especially, oh, I don't know, _Rodney_ and _Jennifer Keller_?"

"I understand your concern John, and I addressed this issue with Dr. Rivers. He let me know that Dr. Franklin and Dr. Lowell would be requiring regular appointments with them Dr. Keller and Rodney to discuss the impact of this situation and to help them come to terms with any difficult emotions this may bring up."

John was incredulous.

Sam continued, "It is a little too late now, don't you agree, John, to prevent the initial fall-out of Addie's arrival in our lives. Perhaps, in a small way, having Addie around and getting to know her a little, will actually lessen the emotional discomfort for both Rodney and Dr. Keller."

In the end, as Sam knew, John was under orders and there was very little his indignation could accomplish. Addie would be going to Atlantis to recuperate, heal, and probably birth her child. Sam patted John on the shoulder as he headed out of the room. She felt for him, even though she was glad to have Addie out of her hair, and the problem shifted over to John and Mr. Woolsey.

::::

Addie couldn't wait to get home. She clenched her fists and bit her cheek. She had to stop calling it that. It wasn't home. It was…this Atlantis. It was a facsimile, a simulacrum.

She had been boarded onto the private jet several hours earlier. The plane traveled six, plus the pilot, and there were five seats with water bottles and a boxed lunch sitting on them. Addie was the first to board, so she chose the seat next to the window and opposite the door. After she settled herself and her meager belongings, she rested with her hand on her stomach and studied the line of the mountains against the sky. She longed for the moment when she'd be surrounded by ocean.

John was the next to board the plane, and he sat down across from her, taking his boxed lunch and shoving it under his seat. He smiled a charming smile, and slouched a little, a conscious attempt to look comfortable that she knew well. He indicated her stomach and asked too easily, "How's it kicking?"

Despite herself, Addie felt a smile forming on her lips. John could always surprise her, and it seemed maybe he wasn't all that different in this timeline. "He's kicking fine, thanks."

John's charming smile transformed into a genuine one, the edges of his eyes crinkling and the edge of insincerity disappearing. "A boy, huh?"

"Yeah," Addie looked back out the window remembering too well the moment when they'd discovered it was a boy. The expression of jubilation on her husband's face. Addie, herself, had been vaguely disappointed, but the idea of providing her husband with the son he desired soon buoyed her spirits. That was before they'd realized the inevitable: there was no escaping the rift.

She smoothed a hand over her stomach and bit her lip, thinking of her husband and his smiling eyes, his strong hands. She wondered, not for the first time if being swallowed in the rift had been agony or ecstasy for him. She imagined that coming apart, cell by cell, could be deliriously orgasmic, or, of course, it could be unadulterated torture. There was no way to know. She thought, though, at any rate, neither the ecstasy or pain would have been prolonged.

"Look," John began. "I'm not going to pretend this isn't awkward, and I'm not asking you to pretend that it's not either, but I want you to know that I'll protect you and your child, and I'll help to make this transition as smooth as possible for everyone."

Addie nodded, not looking at his face, because his hands were much safer, though they were just like her John's hands – scarred and well-formed, with dark hair along the back of his hands and fingers.

"I'd like to ask you to do the same," John said, seriously.

Addie swallowed and looked into his eyes then. "What do you mean by that?"

"I just mean…I know you've been through a lot and I think that asking much more of you than not falling apart is over the top, but at the same time, if you could consider the impact this might be having on other—"

Rodney boarded the plane then, and John stopped short. Addie caught her breath, there was never any preparation for seeing the man, but it was always intensely painful. Rodney was so very like her own father from what she'd seen so far, that there were times she felt she could finish his sentences. He'd ignored her as much as possible since the first day, asking her questions about the crystals on which her father's data was stored only as required, but when he looked at her she felt his resentment and fear.

Rodney sat down on the opposite side of the aisle, muttering, "Oh, thank God, they provided food. I'm starving. That hotel they put Ronon up in should be prosecuted for fraud, dangling the promise of an English Breakfast in front of our noses, only to provide the same old stale bagels and donuts as any other place, and not even any fresh cream cheese, only that horrid strawberry flavored stuff, and miles and miles of orange juice on every table, just waiting to kill me."

"I ate it," Ronon said, boarding the plane. Addie kept her eyes on his boots as he walked up the aisle.

"You would," Rodney answered, voice laden with disgust.

"You stayed with Ronon?" John asked, his voice higher. "Don't you have your own apartment?"

"Pipes burst in the apartment above me. It's been a stellar couple of days, let me tell you," Rodney said.

Ronon dropped down beside John with little grace, bumping John hard with his elbow.

"Ow, dang it, Chewy. Sure sit down. Seat's not taken," John griped.

"Thanks," Ronon answered, and when Addie dared a glance, she found his glare focused on her. She met his eyes for only a few seconds, and then looked out the window.

Teyla sank into the seat next to her, though Addie hadn't heard her board. Teyla had told her over breakfast earlier that her son, Torin, and her husband would both join them on Atlantis the next day. Addie didn't take her eyes off of the view out the window, even when Teyla asked her gently how she was faring. She merely murmured, "I fare, thank you."

Addie tried to tune out the conversation between her four fellow passengers to Atlantis, but it seeped into her mind like chatter that was just a step outside of what she would have heard any other day of her life. Whenever she dared to look at any of them, she'd find Ronon staring at her, his expression suspicious and openly hostile. She immediately turned back to the comfort of the window, which caused her no pain to ponder, one of the only things in this world that didn't.

The prior few nights, Addie had consented to some herbal sleep aids, for the baby's health, not her own. Sleeping was as terrible as she knew it would be. She either dreamed of those final moments over and over in an endless loop, or she dreamed a strange mishmash of moments both real and unreal, but all set in her former life. Waking from those dreams made her feel frenzied with grief, but the one that nearly broke her down was the dream she'd had just before waking that morning.

She'd been in this timeline, asleep in her quarters at Cheyenne Mountain. There had been a knock at the door and she'd struggled awake just as the door opened and her husband entered. His face was reassurance and joy, and she'd run to him. He said in her ear, his voice rough with emotion, "Rodney did it. He found a way for us to all make it out of there alive."

And then she woke up.

She had been so hysterical that she couldn't breathe from crying, choking on her snot and tears. The pain seemed to engulf her leaving her floating in it, drowning in it, and she didn't know how long it took for them to come into the room and give her a sedative via injection. She vaguely remembered hearing the voice of the one called Dr. Lowell. He said something like, "We've been expecting this. I'm glad it happened now, and not later today on the plane."

Addie was so lost in the memory of the morning's horror, knowing that she was only keeping it together even now because of the remaining sedatives in her system, that she belatedly realized that she'd missed take-off entirely. Instead, she'd been staring blindly out the window, seeing only the dream and feeling the pain sitting about half a foot away from her body, waiting for a way back in.

She closed her eyes and felt the drag of sleep pulling at her. She was exhausted, but she fought it, knowing that she couldn't risk losing it here with these four particular people.

Addie had her eyes closed for nearly fifteen minutes, dozing but not sleeping, when Rodney's shriek woke her with a start. He spit the food out of his mouth, a bit of chicken-salad sandwich, and he started to gargle and gasp. Addie instinctively reached for the bag in which she always kept an epipen for her father when they traveled to Earth, but then she remembered that all she had was the small backpack of personal items that her husband had packed for her. "He's allergic to citrus!" she said, even knowing that they already knew.

John was already out of his seat and had grabbed Rodney's bag, found the epipen in the front pocket easily, and held it at the ready. "Come on, Rodney, don't make me do this crap. I hate this kind of thing."

Rodney tried to grab the epipen from John's hands and Addie nearly leapt out of her seat to get it herself, until she noticed Rodney garbling, "No, no, no! I'm okay. I'm okay! Do you hear me talking? That means I'm breathing, you idiots!"

As Rodney babbled about his numb tongue, and wondered aloud how much citrus had actually made it into his system, John capped the needle again, and put the epipen back in Rodney's bag. Addie watched, though, and as soon as he was done with that, his hands were back on Rodney, monitoring his pulse and eyeing him for any sign of swelling. Rodney batted at him until John backed away. "I swear to God, someone's out to kill me! There's citrus everywhere on this planet. It's a death camp for me, the entire damn world, and I want off of it. _Now._"

"Take it to the IOA, Rodney," John muttered, his eyes still on Rodney's face, and his body tense.

Addie's heart was pounding and she felt the baby kicking staccato rhythms, energized by her rush of adrenaline. She leaned back in her seat, pressed her fingers to her eyes, and took deep breaths. When she had gathered herself, she opened her eyes to find Ronon staring at her, his gaze less hard, and marginally less suspicious. She attempted a smile and his eyes narrowed.

Addie excused herself to use the bathroom and stayed in the tiny room as long as she could.

::::

Rodney watched Addie return from the bathroom, after having spent, in his opinion, an incredible amount of time in there; though he supposed that maneuvering her stomach in that tiny room might have made urination or defecation quite difficult, which was something he never wanted to think about again. He pressed the bridge of his nose in hopes of erasing the thought from his mind.

At the last second, before she could go back to her other seat, Rodney gathered his courage, stopped her, and said, "Could we…would you mind? Could we talk?"

She nodded and sat down across from him, buckling her seat belt beneath her belly.

Rodney leaned forward, checking to see if Teyla or Ronon were listening. John had his iPod headphones on and seemed to have fallen asleep, or was faking it.

Rodney cleared his throat. "Listen, as it turns out, I'm not so good at relationships, you know? Jennifer and I…we've been dating a very short time, and things are great, and maybe one day she'd like to marry me, but I don't know if I'm ready to ask her yet, and so—you know, if you could perhaps keep a low profile when it comes to--"

"You want me to stay quiet about who I am?"

"Yes, no…I mean, yes. I mean, really? You could do that? Because that would be ideal, if she never had to know--"

"I don't think that will be possible. Key people on Atlantis, including Dr. Keller, have already received briefings about me. I would have thought Dr. Keller would have mentioned this to you."

Rodney thought she probably would have had he not thrown his phone into the pool, or if he had called her at times when he wasn't absolutely sure to get her voicemail. Besides, he should have known that would be the case. It would be impossible for a new individual to arrive at Atlantis without being screened by the medical center, and even if Jennifer was not the doctor to do the screening, no doubt in a case like Addie's there would have to be ongoing medical evaluations, if not for Addie's mental and physical health, but for the unborn child.

"Of course," Rodney said. "I knew that. I just…" Rodney cleared his throat again and reached for his briefcase. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

Addie nodded and said nothing, turning to the window, and Rodney pretended to look over the paperwork he'd put off for months and would probably put off for a few months more, before turning his attention Addie's profile. She did look like Jennifer in some ways, but Rodney could also see a strange resemblance to his own mother, something about the set of her chin. He saw Ronon watching him.

"What?" he asked.

Ronon's look was challenging, but Rodney wasn't in the mood to try to figure out what the hell Ronon was thinking. Addie didn't seem to notice the exchange at all. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was in a tight line, set in a very McKay expression of determination. He'd seen it in the mirror and he'd seen it on his sister's face. It freaked him out, and so he shoved the paperwork back into the files, brought out his computer, and started banging away.

There had to be something on there in the information he'd gotten from the other McKay's crystals that would occupy his mind and stop him thinking about all of this…this…mess. Though, really, he supposed he ought to come up with something to say in explanation to Jennifer about why he'd been avoiding her. He paused in his typing and considered, but then went directly back to work. He had a few hours. Surely something good would come to him by then, it always did.

"This didn't happen in my timeline," Addie murmured.

Rodney looked up and she was staring directly at him. "Well, of course it didn't, or there would have been two of you, and that would have—"

"No, I mean, Atlantis never landed on earth in my timeline. This never happened."

Rodney swallowed hard; Addie's voice crawled under his skin and he could feel her panic and fear. Part of him wanted to reach out to her, to put his hand on her arm, but the idea of touching her and finding that she was actual flesh and blood unnerved him even more. He opened his mouth, closed it again. Flesh and blood. Not actually flesh and blood. He said, "I'm sorry," and then, before she could reply, turned back to his computer screen. He could still feel her looking at him.


	2. Chapter 2

John wasn't asleep. He was listening to the recordings of Addie's interviews since her arrival through the Stargate. As the military commander of Atlantis he had a vested interest in knowing everything he could about anyone admitted to his city, and so he had loaded them onto his iPod several days ago, beginning with the first interview conducted the moment she came through the Stargate, and continued on through the additional military, scientific, and psychological debriefings.

As far as John could determine, Addie had done her best to be honest, while remaining circumspect about a few admittedly personal issues.

_Dr. Lowell:_ You said before that you didn't consent to being the one put through the Stargate. All indications from witnesses indicate that it appeared you'd been thrown through the gate and you were yelling what sounded like, "No."

_Addie:_ That's correct. Yes.

_Dr. Lowell:_ You've explained in detail the events leading up to that day, and you admit that you were aware that the plan was to send _someone_ along with a vast array of scientific data, including a large computer database that your father had planned to wheel through, is that correct?

_Addie:_ Yes, I knew that they were going to send someone through the gate. I had assumed it would be one of the senior scientists, though not my father because he didn't want to live without…he didn't to live without me, or his life that he'd come to love. I guess that's the best way to put that. Yes.

_Dr. Lowell:_ So, there was no indication beforehand that you would be the one sent.

_Addie:_ None. Although, in retrospect there was something that my husband did the night before that now seems very obvious to me.

_Dr. Lowell:_ And what was that?

_Addie:_ I'm sorry, but that's incredibly personal. It was something between a man and his wife.

_Dr. Lowell:_ We'll leave that for now. In earlier statements you indicate that you believe that this decision was not cleared by the military and civilian officials of your Atlantis.

_Addie:_ I believe that my father, my husband, and…and a few other people who knew the situation was at an end, made this choice on their own.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Can you explain again why you believe this to be the case. Your original description of the day itself had very little discussion between you and your husband, or you and your father. Have you left something out to clarify your conjecture?

_Addie:_ Only that it would have made more sense to send any number of people other than me.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Was it because you are pregnant perhaps?

_Addie:_ There were other pregnant women on Atlantis. I was sent solely because the people who loved me and my unborn child had the ability to do whatever they liked in those final minutes, with or without authority.

_Dr. Lowell:_ So, Addie – why did they love you so much?

_Addie:_ I don't know. I know that for my husband it wasn't just about me, and probably not for my dad, too. It is no secret to those who know him that Rodney McKay has always been determined to pass on his genes, and my husband had a lot to hope for, too, I guess.

_Dr. Lowell:_ You seem more than a little ambivalent about your own survival.

_Addie:_ I am. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. It seems selfish what they did. It feels selfish to be alive. I don't know that I wanted to live, though I suppose that's selfish, too.

_Dr. Lowell:_ This is going to be a long and difficult process for you, Addie. I assure you that these mixed feelings are normal.

_Addie:_ There's nothing normal about this, Dr. Lowell.

::::

After the near crash landing of Atlantis in the Pacific Ocean close to San Francisco, the city had been dead in the water for awhile, causing all kinds of uproar and conspiracy theories, some more accurate than others, about why the military had cordoned off a section of prime shipping lanes near one of the busiest ports in the country.

Ronon had gone into the city several times with John before another ZPM was found and Atlantis was ultimately moved to a closely guarded location in the Pacific Ocean within an hour's flight from the islands of Hawaii.

San Francisco had not been much to Ronon's liking. It was far too pleasant, and almost teasing in its joy for life, but, as was often the case with him, it _was_ the kind of city that he wished Melena had been able to see at least once in her life. She would have smiled more in only a few days in San Francisco than she had in her entire life on Sateda.

He mourned Melena less and less, though he never forgot her. He no longer felt guilty about that. Sometimes he even thought that had she lived, his life would have been more ordinary and less dramatic, definitely less painful, but somehow he didn't believe that he'd have become the man he was meant to be under those conditions. Ronon believed that he'd lost everything in order to gain himself, and in gaining himself he was granted a life that he held sacred.

Ronon stretched his long legs into the aisle of the plane, keeping his eyes on the woman calling herself Addie McKay. Ronon didn't disbelieve her story, but he didn't believe it either. There was something missing, a lot missing, actually, from all the reports he'd read and the interviews he'd watched or attended. The woman was holding something back.

John had suggested that Ronon let up and "let her breath a little", but Ronon wasn't ready to do that yet, and since John hadn't made it an order, Ronon felt himself at liberty to ignore the suggestion if he wanted.

In addition, the woman's arrival had McKay freaking out all over the place, and that alone made Ronon defensive on his behalf. Rodney pissed him off a lot, but he was his team mate, and a good friend. Besides, there was John to consider, and whenever Rodney was out of sorts, John seemed to suffer all the more.

The night that Rodney had thrown his cell phone in the pool, Ronon had shared drinks with him in the hotel bar, and when he asked Rodney what the big deal was, Rodney had looked at him with half-drunken, glittering eyes and said something that hit Ronon like a hammer, "Yeah, well, what if she was yours?"

Ronon knew that alternate realities existed, but he'd never wondered too much about those realities, and imagining himself in Rodney's position raised his hackles. If a child from the life he would have had with Melena showed up in this reality, he thought it might be met with a quick death. It seemed an abomination. A grotesque mockery. Like the the clones of the team that the Replicators had built, the ones who thought they were as real as Ronon, Teyla, John, Rodney, and Elizabeth. His lip curled up just thinking of it and his hands clenched into fists.

Looking across the aisle at Addie, he found her eyes on him, and seeing her pupils constrict in fear at his expression, satisfaction settled over him. McKay was right to be freaked out. The woman was what many of his people might have deemed a devil, a torment, and he did not believe them to be completely wrong.

::::

Woolsey sat at his desk, waiting for Sheppard's team and the woman to arrive. He could admit that receiving news from Samantha Carter that the woman, Addie, would be arriving on Atlantis with Sheppard and his team, with little to no input from him, left him feeling less than secure in his station on Atlantis. The IOA claimed that his position was unaltered with regard to Atlantis, and yet when it came down to key decisions, he found that he was still treated like his input was irrelevant.

He was proud of the work he'd done in the Pegasus Galaxy and in saving Earth from the Wraith; more than that, though, Atlantis had become part of him, and he was surprised to find that he now considered it home. His experiences since taking charge of the expedition had shifted his allegiances and forced him to grow up in ways that, as a man in his late fifties, he'd not even realized he still needed to achieve. There were times when he winced to remember how he had been before, so certain, so afraid, and so wrong, without even youth as an excuse for his ignorance. The gift of humility had been painful but incredibly rewarding. He supposed it was leftover pride that felt the sting, but Atlantis was under his charge and he would have appreciated being treated as such.

Even so, Addie was more than welcome on board at Atlantis as far as he was concerned. Her interviews showed her to be an intelligent, if rather reticent, individual, but given what she had gone through and continued to cope with, Woolsey had little trouble excusing her for that. He felt a strong empathy for the woman. He remembered his first experiences in the Pegasus Galaxy with a clarity that could break him out into a cold sweat. He could only imagine that what she was undergoing was similar to his experience only a thousand-fold -- and with no hope for a return home.

Yet, he was uncertain of how she would fit in on Atlantis. A pregnant woman from another reality would be a curiosity even among people who were basically numb to the curious and strange after living in Pegasus for many years. Especially since during their stay on Earth they had gone a bit soft – bars in Honolulu, vacations at beach resorts with all of the amenities. Oddities were harder to come by, and Woolsey was certain that many, if not most, of the residents of Atlantis would have questions for Addie about the future timeline she'd come from and he was not sure how she, or they, would weather those daily torments.

Woolsey had received a communiqué stating that there would be no secrecy among the Atlantis crew about Addie's origins. The psychologists believed that it would allow Addie to cope more efficiently to be able to speak her truth for the time being. Woolsey also recognized that this indicated that Atlantis was going to be on earth longer than he hoped. If the NID was willing to set up Addie here on Atlantis to live for any length of time, that indicated that the city would be here for her to live in, and that was definitely a disappointment to him as well.

A voice crackled over his ever-present radio. "Mr. Woolsey? The plane is arriving shortly with Colonel Sheppard and his team."

Woolsey sighed and stood up, ready to greet this new challenge. "Thank you. I will meet them on the hangar deck."

::::

The sight of Atlantis breathed through Addie like relief. The spires touching the blue sky, the buildings bright and shining like a beacon. All of them were home to her in ways that Earth had never been, not even in her timeline. Her smile faded, though, as the city grew in front of her on their approach. It was stark, empty, lacking in life and movement. The glass structures glittered in the sunshine like giant, brittle facsimiles of the Atlantis that she'd known. There were no ships docking for trade, no bustling market of crafts, jewelry, fruit, and meats on the main pier, no children throwing stones from the sides, or racing each other from building to building.

The inside of Atlantis was ghostly compared to the beautiful, diverse city she'd lived in during her time. There were military personnel and scientists walking through the halls with a hustle to their gait, and serious faces, yes, that was familiar, but there were no children, and no colorful artists, artisans, or musicians plying their trade in free areas, or simply bringing joyful song to every known space. Addie recalled how her father had sometimes spoken fondly of the "days of before" when the annoying musicians hadn't plagued him by interrupting his thought processes with their "damned music" at every turn. This Atlantis was, Addie assumed, was what her father had been speaking about.

On the hangar deck, Addie was introduced to a Mr. Woolsey, a gracious older man who told her to make herself comfortable and to come to him at any time with any problems. Addie had never heard of him before.

It was hard to keep the panic from overwhelming her as they escorted her to the infirmary for yet another examination. She couldn't help the feeling that she'd stepped through yet another mirror, and this one was hell. This was a dead Atlantis trapped on a confusing Earth, and she was trapped with it--in a timeline where everyone was wrong, and her own existence was a problem to be dealt with varying degrees of wretched grace. Her baby kicked and she put her hand on her stomach, biting her lip to keep from crying.

The hand on her shoulder was warm. "You okay?"

She nodded at John Sheppard and didn't say a word. How could she tell him anything without telling him everything? This was not her Atlantis – it was a ghost world, a place of horror and loss – she just shrugged and closed her eyes, fighting the flash of rage that welled inside of her. How could they have done this to her? How could they have left her to _this_?

In the medical facility, Addie was tended to by a Dr. Cho, someone else she didn't recognize, but she assumed there would be a fairly large degree in turn over among many positions during the course of almost thirty years. It was a relief to know that she wouldn't be constantly running into familiar faces every time she turned around.

"Ask Dr. Keller about this result," Dr. Cho said to a nurse, and then returned to Addie's side. "Everything looks good. If you'll wait here, someone will come to escort you to quarters. I'm happy to welcome you to our team, ah, Ms. McKay." Dr. Cho looked confused at the name, but didn't ask questions.

Addie sat behind a curtain on the bed until she heard a woman's voice issuing orders about various tests. The authority in the tone told Addie who it was, who it had to be. The voice was warm and kind, and Addie knew that her own mother's would've sounded just like it. She closed her eyes and took some deep breaths, and then slowly moved her heavy body to the side of the bed, and slid her feet to the floor.

Standing behind the curtain, she looked around the side, and there _she_ stood – brown hair, clear skin, and an open face. She was so alive it looked like she was glowing. Addie put a hand to her mouth and stared as Jennifer Keller talked to several people, pointing at data pads and biting her lower lip with concern. She was beautiful. And young. And…alive. That was what kept rushing over Addie in waves. Alive, alive, alive. The woman who gave birth to her was alive.

Only it wasn't that woman at all. Addie shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself.

Jennifer turned and caught Addie's eye. For a moment, Addie almost ducked behind the curtain, ashamed to have been caught looking, but instead, she drew in a breath and took a hesitant step forward, determined that Jennifer would meet her as the person she'd always been before, not this new, timid kitten-like thing she'd been since she arrived in this world.

Jennifer's expression was startled at first, but then morphed; she was concerned, kind, and a little scared. Still, Jennifer took the first step and held out her hand. "You must be…Addie?"

"Yes, I am. And you're, Dr. Keller?" Addie took hold of Jennifer's hand and felt its warmth and life. She had to force herself to let go.

Jennifer's lips pressed together and tears filled her eyes. "You can call me Jennifer," she said, choked up.

"Thank you."

Jennifer tilted her head a bit, to take a longer look. "You look a little like my older sister. She died when I was a little girl."

"I've been told I take after the Keller side of the family," Addie said softly. "I was named for…my mother's sister."

Jennifer hesitated a moment, and then suddenly threw her arms around Addie, and hugged her long and hard. Addie clung, smelling Jennifer's hair, warm and spicy shampoo-scented, but when she felt Jennifer pulling away, she let go quickly, and rested her hands on her stomach to keep from reaching for Jennifer again.

Jennifer's eyes fell to her pregnancy and said, "All of the tests and records show that he's doing just fine."

"Yes, that's what they tell me." Addie wondered why she wasn't crying. Jennifer's eyes were full, but her own were dry.

"We should talk," Jennifer said, and Addie nodded.

"Jennifer!" Rodney's voice cut across the room. "Jennifer, I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you. You wouldn't believe, well, I guess you would, because I know that you've been informed, but…oh, it's…oh. Hi. Addie. I, um…how was the trip?"

"I sat across from you. It was the same trip as yours," Addie replied drily, and then she blinked. It was the first time she'd recognized a glimpse of herself in the last few days.

"Ah, yes, so it was," Rodney floundered and Addie stood in silence as Rodney and Jennifer looked first at each other and then at her. The air around them grew increasingly dense until it felt like they were breathing in massive, all encompassing _ awkwardness_.

Ronon and John walked in just behind Rodney, and, John's face changed as he witnessed the three of them standing together. He said, "Doc, check McKay over for me, would you? He ingested some citrus earlier—"

"It's nothing," Rodney said. "I mean, it was awful, don't get me wrong, I could've died, but—"

John mouthed, "Check him out," and indicated to Ronon that he should stay with Rodney. John then grasped Addie's elbow and gracefully steered her away. "C'mon. I'm sure you'll be happy to be alone for awhile."

"With the surveillance cameras?"

John chuckled. "You don't miss much."

"I've been around. I know how it works. I'm still considered an unknown risk. I wouldn't expect anything less."

John's hand was strong and steady on her elbow and she let him steer her down the hallways. It felt right to let him guide her again.

::::

 

Ronon stood by, watching the argument unfold, as he waited for Jennifer to give Rodney the all-clear from the citrus scare on the plane. He was supposed to report back to John about it. Truly, though, he could've left a long time ago, but he enjoyed watching Rodney make a mess of things with Jennifer too much to leave.

"What I'm saying is that she's not our flesh and blood," Rodney said, apparently coming to the end of his blathering about all of the reasons he had decided it wasn't a big deal at all, and Jennifer shouldn't see it as one, either, and should blow it off just like he had…even though he hadn't spoken to Jennifer since it all happened, but that wasn't because he was freaking out, oh, no, that was just plain old bad luck, besides the woman wasn't really their child, she was from another reality after all.

Through all of his rambling, Jennifer had looked more and more put out, and she finally broke in with the statement, "Actually, she is. Genetically. The analysis of her genes shows that she is, without a doubt, made out of the same DNA as you and me. That's flesh and blood enough for me."

Ronon leaned against the wall, frowning a little at this interesting bit of information. It wasn't as though he wouldn't have realized that if he'd given it any thought, but he hadn't until that moment.

"Yes, but it isn't the same. It's like if we had identical twin siblings that reproduced with each other. It wouldn't make their off-spring our child."

Jennifer rolled her eyes. "You are being completely reductionist about this, Rodney. There's more to this than you're willing to delve into because it complicates your emotions."

"I'll have you know I have very complex emotions—"

Jennifer didn't let him go on. "Besides, where is your empathy? The poor woman is pregnant, alone, and the man whom she would probably most like to talk to right now is her father, and, _that_, Rodney, is something you could do for her."

"What? Are you insane? I am not that woman's father. I'm not anyone's father. What could I possibly tell her that would make her feel any better about her situation? She _is_ alone. Everyone she knew and loved _died_. And, anyway, if she knew me, she wouldn't like me, and—"

"Rodney, I know you and I like you—"

Ronon rolled his eyes and decided to move on. The conversation was a lot less interesting when Jennifer was touching Rodney's face with one hand and gazing into his eyes. Besides, there was that uncomfortable pit of jealousy in his stomach. Ronon still had a hard time comprehending that Rodney had won.

Ronon touched his headset and reported Rodney's robust and whining health to Sheppard, before exiting the medical unit to find Teyla waiting in the hallway. "Hey," Ronon greeted her.

"I take it Rodney is recuperating well?"

"He's fine. He's busy trying to save his ass."

"From what?"

"From himself, " Ronon answered.

"I see," Teyla replied. They walked together in silence, Teyla nodding at various acquaintances passing them in the hallway. Ronon knew that Teyla had sought him out for a reason, and her reserve about approaching the subject made him pretty sure it was going to be something he wouldn't like.

"Ronon, I have been wishing to speak with you for a few days now. About Addie."

"What about her?"

"I have noticed that you seem to feel some sort of enmity toward her. At first I dismissed it, because we were all uncertain of the veracity of her story, but at this point I am confused. What is it about Addie that you do not like?"

"That she's here."

"Ronon, she is alone, much as you have been in your life. If you chose, you could be a good friend to her, ease her pain, and help her to feel at home here in this reality."

"This reality isn't her home," Ronon said.

Teyla stopped grabbed Ronon's arm. "This wasn't your home, either, Ronon. Yet you were taken in and cared for, just as she should be, and just as they will do. It would be nice to see you express the gratitude you have by extending that kindness to someone else."

Ronon gritted his teeth together and glared down at Teyla. She did not step back or release his gaze. He growled and said, "Fine. I'll talk to her. At some point."

"Thank you, Ronon. I think this will be a good beginning. For both of you."

::::

"Tea is hard to come by in Pegasus," Jennifer said, pouring a cup for Addie. "Well, not _tea_, because of course they have teas there as well, some of them quite good, but there's no Earl Grey or Darjeeling. But, of course, you know that."

Addie tried to smile but found it difficult. "Yes. Well, I don't know that I ever really missed the tea. I was more frantic for a Reeses Cup. My husband had to trade some California wine he'd saved for a special occasion to a marine who had a stash of Reeses Cups early in my pregnancy when the cravings were overwhelming."

"That was…kind of him," Jennifer said in a stilted manner. "He must have been a good man."

"Yes." Addie took a sip of her tea and looked around Jennifer's room. It was sparse but feminine. There was a small desk used as a vanity with make-up and a lovely round hair brush resting on it. There were photos on a table next to the bed, and the one in front was of Jennifer and Rodney smiling in front of a Hawaiian sunset. It must have been taken recently.

"Rodney and I spent a few days in Honolulu last month," Jennifer said, noticing Addie's gaze.

"It's a nice picture."

After an excruciating pause, Addie was relieved when Jennifer broke the silence. "Do you have any pictures of your parents?" Jennifer asked.

The relief didn't last. Addie turned to Jennifer, her stomach tightening. She said, "Everything I had was confiscated, photographed, and examined before it was returned. If you wanted to see – what I'm saying is, I'm sure there's a file you could request."

Jennifer sat back, her eyes wide in surprise. "I'm sorry. Did that question offend you?"

Addie's heart beat a little faster and her mouth went dry. It was hard to explain how the question made her feel, or why she felt afraid to answer it. "No. Yes. It's uncomfortable for me. I'm trying to keep my boundaries. And I'm losing them all of the time."

"I'm sorry." Jennifer said. She smiled, but there was a tenseness to it that didn't relieve Addie's worry. "I was only trying to better understand them. Your parents, I mean. I guess I need to know…well, I'd like to know what made them work. As a couple."

"Why?" Addie asked, though she knew the answer already.

"I…care for Rodney. I've enjoyed our relationship and hoped that things might progress, but I admit -- sitting here, looking at you – it adds a certain amount of _pressure_ to things. And, well, for some reason, I wasn't expecting that."

Addie sat down her cup of tea and put her hands on her stomach, feeling the child shifting beneath her palms. "I don't know what to say. I assure you -- I didn't want to be here."

"Oh, no, Addie. I'm not blaming you. I'm…none of this is what I wanted to talk about with you." Jennifer shrugged a little, and said, "I was hoping we could be friends."

"I was hoping that as well." Addie brushed her hair behind her ear.

They sat in silence for several more minutes and Addie felt tears welling up . She bit the inside of her cheek to will them away. It was terrible. There were so many things that Addie wanted to ask, so many questions about everything from Jennifer's taste in music to how Jennifer's parents had met, but to do that, she'd have to share, too, and she just _couldn't_.

Jennifer cleared her throat. "So…about your parents. How did they meet?"

Addie shook her head, trying to abort the discussion again. "I am so sorry, Jennifer, but I don't think I can help you with this. There are so many things I don't know about my mother and my father. She died when I was really young. I never really knew her."

"Surely you heard stories! Didn't your father talk about her?" Jennifer sounded incredulous, and behind it all, Addie could hear the fear, too, the insult that Addie's father hadn't spoken enough about her mother, and, even worse, the assumption that Jennifer made about Rodney and his feelings for her. It brought Addie up short. She had to walk away.

"Jennifer…I should go. I can't – Listen, you're…beautiful, and kind, and smart…and I'm honored to think that my mother was anything like you. But, I'm sorry. Her story…and my father's…is for me to keep for myself and for my son."

Jennifer looked down at her cup of tea and said, "I'm sorry. There are so many things that I'd like to know and I guess I don't know how to handle this situation."

"I don't either, but their stories won't help you." Addie said as she stood to leave.

Walking out of Jennifer's room, Addie wiped furiously at her eyes, and headed away from her quarters and toward the pier. She needed some fresh air, and some room to think, and probably to cry again. It seemed to her that all she did was cry or try to keep breathing through the tears. Everything she'd loved was gone or going, and even her image of her mother was morphing, changing, and being crushed out by the living woman who never gave birth to her at all.

::::

_Dr. Lowell:_ Thank you for taking some time from your schedule for our initial meeting, Dr. Keller. I understand that you have met with Dr. Franklin on an "as needed" basis in the past, is this correct?

_Jennifer:_ Yes, when a patient dies, or other difficult experiences have come up in the course of my time with the Atlantis expedition, I've met with him.

_Dr. Lowell:_ And how do you feel about meeting with me, Dr. Keller?

_Jennifer:_ I'm fine with it. I expected it. This situation seems a bit out of Dr. Franklin's depth. He's more accustomed to the military side of things.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Dr. Franklin is an excellent psychologist, there were simply some higher-ups that wanted to give him additional support at this time. Since you brought it up, how are you dealing with this situation, Dr. Keller?

_Jennifer:_ I don't know. It's very sudden, and I haven't really had time to process it yet. I feel confused and I feel disappointed. Right now, today, I mainly feel really disappointed.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Please, go on.

_Jennifer:_ I don't really know where to start. There are layers of disappointment. I'm disappointed because I'm afraid. I know--what am I afraid of? She's just a young woman, not that much younger than myself, actually. But, she's more than that. She's the child that another me never got to see grow up.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Yes. Go on, I'm listening.

_Jennifer:_ I know you're listening, it's just that I'm having a hard time expressing it. Okay, I read the reports, and they say that her Jennifer Keller died in a Wraith attack approximately two years in the future. I also understand from the reports that our timelines are not identical. There are various differences, but I keep thinking to myself that I have to make a choice. Atlantis is going to be cleared to return to the Pegasus Galaxy at some point, or at least we're all hoping that she will be, and I was eager to go back with the city, with the people I've come to care about.

_Dr. Lowell:_ With Dr. Mckay?

_Jennifer:_ Yes, of course. But I'm disappointed because now I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go back.

_Dr. Lowell:_ You've always been aware of the possibility of death while in Pegasus.

_Jennifer:_ Theoretical death, yes, but actual, probable, has-happened-to-me-already-in-another-reality death? No.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I see.

_Jennifer:_ Do you? I wish Rodney did.

_Dr. Lowell:_ He doesn't?

_Jennifer:_ He says it's like being afraid of the bogey man. It doesn't exist. It hasn't happened and, he says, he won't let it. As big as his ego is, it becomes really quite impossible sometimes to convince him that he doesn't control the entire universe. Especially when claiming that he can suits his argument.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Dr. McKay wants you to return to Pegasus?

_Jennifer:_ Dr. McKay doesn't want to admit that our lives have been changed by this woman's arrival. And that disappoints me, too.

::::

Ronon was running, his gun missing, and his heart beating so fast that it terrified him. There was a copse of trees ahead, if he could reach it, then he could climb a taller one close to the rock cliff ahead, and use the tree to propel himself to the top, or at least to a rock-hold on the side. The Wraith hunting him was several hundred feet behind, and Ronon knew if he could just get far enough ahead, then he'd have some advantage.

The crunch as he fell was louder than a thunder-clap. He was down. Was he shot? He didn't feel any pain, but he couldn't move. He was down and he had to get up. He had to or this was it. He dug his fingers into the ground, trying to get traction to pull himself along, but he couldn't get a grip, couldn't move his hands.

The Wraith was on him. He yelled, but nothing came out. The Wraith ran a long finger along his cheek, and hissed, "You were so close, so close, but in the end…useless. Hopeless. Just like every last one of you. Useless."

Ronon woke up covered with sweat, heart racing, and fists clenched.

::::

Rodney sat alone in his quarters staring at the wall. He had written and then deleted fifteen emails to Jennifer, each of them an attempt to bridge the gap that had been opening between them ever since that woman arrived.

The knock at the door startled him out of his reverie. John stood outside, leaning against the door jamb, his hair mussed up and looking like he'd just gotten laid. And, knowing Sheppard, he probably had.

"Come in, come in, I guess you're here to brag about your latest conquest or to tell me that another kid of some future me has come through the Stargate in the Atlantis control room, so go ahead and shoot down the rest of my day, I'm ready for it. It can't get much worse than this anyway."

John's brows were furrowed in what looked like sympathy, but sometimes Rodney thought that John spent a lot of time trying not to laugh at him, or smack him, or sometimes, and it had to be just his imagination…sometimes it looked like John was trying pretty hard not to kiss him, and that made Rodney feel anxious in ways that rivaled anything brought about by Addie McKay's arrival.

"Actually, I just came to see if you wanted to help me destroy the new remote control cars I picked up last weekend in Honolulu." John waggled his eyebrows like he was actually offering to let Rodney play with something much more adult and provocative than toy cars. "Whaddaya say that you give up moping for awhile and come crash some cars with me."

Ah, what the hell? Rodney thought. The work on decrypting the crystals to find the information on the Wraith-destroying weapon could wait a little while longer. Besides, it wasn't like he was getting anywhere with the email anyway.

Fifteen minutes later, Rodney was yelling, "Take _that_, Dr. Lowell. What do you know about winners and losers, you idiotic faux-doctor."

"Dr. Lowell called you a loser?" John asked.

"No, it was more like he agreed when I called myself a loser."

John did a bad job at hiding a laugh.

"Hey, stop that! That quack is a waste of time and I've said that from the beginning, so if you or Woolsey would give me the all-clear to stop seeing him, then we can preemptively stop any further damage to my admittedly quite high self-esteem."

"Come on, Rodney, we both know that I can't do that."

"Some help you are." Rodney slammed his car into the wall and knocked John's car sideways in the process. "Did you know that ridiculous voodoo doctor suggested that maybe my refusal to have a relationship with Addie is part of the problem with Jennifer."

"There's a problem with Jennifer?" John asked.

"No, of course not. Well, maybe. I mean, it's incredibly complicated, which is something she just doesn't understand, and besides, it's just that right now, everything I say seems to, well, I wouldn't say makes her angry, but maybe more like--"

"Pisses her off?"

"Well, it could be PMS, women have those hormones. It makes things very confusing—"

"Rodney, you didn't say something like that to her, did you?"

"Of course. It's one of the few things that makes sense."

John pressed his lips together and covered his mouth with his fingers, not managing to completely suppress his laughter. Rodney kicked his leg.

"Ow!!"

"Yeah, don't mock me. You don't know what I'm going through."

John's expression softened and he grabbed Rodney's shoulder and squeezed it. "I know, buddy. I'm sorry."

"Just race your stupid car," Rodney said, shrugging John's hand off, and then removing his own jacket. He was feeling sweaty after all of the running up and down the hallways, and talking about Jennifer. He threw it on the floor. "Stop trying to make me talk like girl."

John smirked and jostled Rodney hard just as Rodney's car was about to pass John's. Rodney's hand slipped off the controller.

"Cheater!" Rodney yelled, pushing against John, and John tripped him, so Rodney grabbed John's arm as he fell to the floor.

John grunted as he landed on top of Rodney, his arms on either side of Rodney's torso. Rodney scrambled and pushed against John, trying to shove him off, when suddenly John leapt up and turned away, wiping his mouth with the back of one hand, and saying, "You fight dirty, McKay."

"You tripped _me_, remember?" Rodney said, grabbing John's arm to pull himself up. John's arm felt familiar and comfortable, and Rodney held on a little longer than necessary.

John shook him free and said, "Loser two out of three buys drinks."

Rodney smirked. "You're on!"

::::

John sat on the pier, knocking his shoulder against Rodney's occasionally, and nursed the beer that he'd grabbed from his fridge as payment for his loss of the bet. An impartial observer might have thought that John had let Rodney win, and the impartial observer would have been right. Rodney needed an ego boost and if letting him win a damn remote control car race would make him smile and forget his troubles for a few minutes, then it was worth the beers.

Rodney was solemn again, relatively quiet, and a little drunk, in John's estimation. He'd been staring down into the darkness of the water for awhile, and had put away more beers than John had ever seen him drink before. John was about to say something stupid, something that would probably hurt Rodney's feelings, just to get him to act normal for a few seconds, when Rodney sighed and said, "I should get a cat."

"What?" John said.

"I love cats," Rodney said, taking another drink of beer. "They're the perfect friend – you feed them and they love you. It's easy."

John had to disagree. "Cats are obnoxious, don't come when they're called, and think they're too good for you. The _only_ time they love you is when you feed them. What kind of friend is that?"

"The best kind! The kind that actually makes sense. You know where you stand with cats – you're not important unless you forget the food, and when you have the food, they love you, and there's nothing confusing about it."

"Well, you can't have a cat. It's against regulations. And where would you empty the litter box?"

"In the incinerator. I've got it all planned out. I've been thinking about it for awhile." He was so sad that John wanted to put his arm around him, so he settled for nudging him with his shoulder instead.

"No cats, Rodney."

Rodney took another swig, and ignored him. "Before I left for Atlantis, my cat was the only one who loved me, and that was fine because he was the only one I loved, too. I never needed people before I came here, I had no use for anyone else, they just got in my way, and, besides, my cat loved me and that was enough."

"Cat love, Rodney? I'm not sure that's legal—"

"I'm trying to tell you something here, Sheppard."

John knew that, and he didn't know if he could handle hearing it. Rodney's vulnerability moved him to want to do things he shouldn't – like touch him, or say things, or otherwise betray himself.

"It's just that now I'm here, and well, I don't _need_ people, but, well, I care about them, that sort of thing, and I have no idea how to make them love me, and it…sucks. It just sucks. A lot. Which I'm sure is something you can't even begin to understand because everyone loves you. I mean, people are basically lining up to love you."

John looked around. "I don't see anyone. Oh, wait…no that's just the Sprint network."

"Oh, please." Rodney sighed heavily, his mouth crooked and sad. "Joke all you want, but I'm being serious."

John said, "People here love you, Rodney."

Rodney denied it, saying, "Not the way I love them."

John took a steadying breath and clapped Rodney on the shoulder. "I'm sure Jennifer loves you, too."

"Maybe. I thought we were getting there at least, but now I'm not sure. You know, Jennifer is more like a dog. She needs things, like attention, and if I don't do it right, she punishes me with the sad eyes of disappointment. She's nothing like a cat."

John lifted his brows and said, "You don't 'do it' right?"

"Don't mock me right now. I don't know why I even talk to you." Rodney took another drink and then said, "I was thinking more along the lines of not accepting our 'daughter', or whatever the hell she is, with open arms, and not having little tete-a-tetes with Addie over coffee and doughnuts." Rodney paused and said, "Speaking of doughnuts, I wish I had one right now. Or a cat. I really want a cat. Or a doughnut." He put out both hands and balanced them like a scale saying, "Cat. Doughnut. Cat. Doughnut." He sighed heavily and let the scale tip heavily as he said, "Cat."

John shook his head and bit his lip. Rodney's love for food and need for love rivaled any cat's. He clapped his hand on Rodney's shoulder harder, and Rodney choked and spit out some of the beer. "Well, I'm sure she'll come around. And, hey, even if she doesn't, she's not the only one on Atlantis who loves you."

Rodney looked around, mimicking John. "I don't see anyone. Not even the Sprint Network."

"Yeah, well, keep looking. They're everywhere. It's getting late. We should head back. And, if you're lucky, I might have a doughnut in my refrigerator from this morning." John stood and took Rodney's hand to pull him up.

Rodney brushed off his pants and then jogged a step or two to keep up with John, and said, "I'd always pegged you as a dog person, but something tells me that you're secretly a cat person, aren't you?"

John glanced at Rodney out of the corner of his eye, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and said, "Nah, cats are horrible."

"Admit it, you love them!"

"There's nothing to admit. They're horrible creatures," John said, picking up the step.

He fought a smile as Rodney crowed, "Aha! I knew it! Totally a cat person!"


	3. Chapter 3

Teyla took it upon herself to make Addie more at home on Atlantis. She brought Addie some comfortable and rather flattering maternity dresses from a trip to Honolulu, and offered to take Addie with her for a visit in order to pick up some baby things. In addition, Teyla introduced Addie to Atlantis's team of marine biologists. It was possible, Teyla believed, that Addie could become a contributing member of their team, depending on many things, including Addie's future plans.

"Do you wish to return to Pegasus?" Teyla asked Addie as they watched Torin play on the floor of Teyla's quarters.

"I do. I know it's not the same galaxy as the Pegasus I left, but it is my home and I want my child to…know who he is…there."

"Was your husband from Pegasus?"

Addie turned away and said nothing.

"Addie, you so rarely speak of him. If I could offer myself as a friend to you, I would like you to know that I would willingly share your grief if you would like to unburden yourself with me."

"No. I can't talk about him."

"I know it is painful—"

"Teyla, you don't understand. I _can't_ talk about him."

Teyla sat on her bed and pulled Addie down next to her. "It is forbidden of you?"

Addie shook her head. "It's hard to explain. It's just that…I know others think that I don't see or don't care what Dr. Keller and Dr. McKay are going through right now, but I do. I notice that Dr. Keller doesn't speak of Dr. McKay anymore when we have lunch or she asks me to tea. I notice how my refusal to talk about my mother's life causes her anxiety and pain. But would it be more painful for me to tell her more?"

Teyla stroked a hand down Addie's back soothingly, and pulled her closer as Addie continued talking. "And Dr. McKay – well, he has no use for me at all unless it is to help him to understand some of the data that he's retrieving from the crystals. And, truly, Zelenka is more adept at that than I will ever be. And, yet, when he talks to me, I can see that he's angry. I can feel it."

"Rodney is a difficult man to understand at times—"

"No, he's angry and I understand why. I'm angry, too."

"What does Dr. Lowell say about that?"

"He says that anger is a normal stage of grief. And what I've done by being here is to cause other people to have to grieve, too. My arrival stomped out the future that was going to happen. I killed the futures they believed they were going to have and they blame me."

"You must not think this way. Your arrival simply _is_ and all that would have come is wiped away. Every day is full of moments that kill possible futures."

"I just happen to be a living, walking, procreating reminder of one very big moment."

Teyla said, "But if you cannot talk about the people you lost for fear of hurting the people here, how will you ever heal?"

"I don't think I want to heal."

Touching Addie's stomach gently, Teyla said, "But for him, you will. For him, you must."

::::

Addie walked out to the far pier again. It was a very long walk in her condition and she felt warm and exhausted when she finally reached the end. It was a temperate day, and she sat down, her feet over the edge, and watched the waves lapping far below.

Suddenly, the image came to Addie of her child contained in her womb, as she was contained beneath the shields of Atlantis, as Atlantis was cradled by the ocean's rocking arms, the ocean held gently against the earth by the gracious laws of gravity, and the earth itself was held in the bosom of unforgiving and all-encompassing space.

The sun felt good on her back and she thought back to another day on another Atlantis on another planet held in the bosom of another space. She'd been holed up in their quarters for hours, listening to John, Rodney, Teyla, Radek, and Ronon talk about the rift.

"Can you tell what direction it's expanding? Can we move Atlantis and buy ourselves a few more years until we find another solution?" John asked, leaning forward and using his hands to emphasis his words.

"_No, no, no_," Rodney replied. "It's a waste of time and resources—"

"What Rodney's trying to say," Radek interrupted. "Is that we only have two ZPMs left. It will take all of the power in either one of them to contact the other timeline in order to try to send information and, possibly, people through."

John furrowed his brow and his voice went higher as he said, "Right, which leaves us with another ZPM to try to move Atlantis further from the rift to buy us some time to try to increase the length of time that you can keep the gate activated."

Rodney shook his head, waving his hands as he said, "There's no way. The rift is expanding exponentially and by the time it reaches us, it will be moving so rapidly that the rest of our universe will follow within minutes or seconds—"

Radek interrupted, "So the time we'd buy ourselves would be miniscule at best."

"Yes, thank you, Radek, for stating the obvious."

John's leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "And so we're back to the original plan."

Rodney agreed. "Yes, but we'll never get everyone out of the city. At best, we could get one person through and possibly some information. We'd send whoever through first, of course, because the stability of the connection will be completely unpredictable."

"Addie, what do you think?" John had asked.

"I think that we should start parsing the information now. We don't have a lot of time if Dad's right." She turned to Rodney, "Do you want me to choose teams from various fields? Have them collect their most important research findings?"

His eyes had been so intense looking back at her, like he was thinking about something else entirely, and as she thought about it now, she realized that he had known even then that she would be the one they sent through.

Addie put her hands on her stomach, and looked out to the sea, thinking of a song that John used to sing to her. She sang softly, and blinked back the tears. She wished more than anything she could ask them why.

"Are you okay?"

Addie's back stiffened and she turned her head. Ronon stood ten feet away, sweating and breathing hard from his run.

 

::::

Ronon had seen her from a distance, a form sitting on the edge of the pier. He'd known who she was by the way her dark brown hair blew in the wind. There was no one else on Atlantis who wore their hair loose and long, it reminded him of the way his mother had worn her hair when he was young.

Ronon stayed on course, running toward the end of the pier, just as he did every day. It was clear that Addie didn't hear him coming, her head was bowed, and her shoulders moved like she might be crying, or possibly singing.

He considered continuing on, but soft, indistinct noises drew him closer, and he decided he'd stop and check. "Are you okay?" Ronon asked.

She turned, and he saw again that she was afraid of him, but she gathered herself and answered, "I'm fine, thank you."

Ronon watched her for a few moments as she turned back to the ocean, clearly attempting to ignore his presence. The wind whipped Addie's hair out behind her, and she reached up and twisted her hair into a loose knot, leaving her neck looking exposed and vulnerable.

Ronon sat down next to her and looked out toward the ocean. He noticed that every muscle in her body tensed, but she didn't make a move to leave. For a long time they sat there, and neither spoke. It was a nice day. The dreams he'd had the last few nights faded out in the light and the reality of his life now.

"You've never asked," Addie said, breaking the silence, and looking at him from the corner of her eye.

"Asked what?" Ronon looked at her and noticed that the wind had pulled at her hair until long, dark strands hung down like thick ropes by her cheeks.

"You've never asked if there was a 'you' in my world and, if so, what 'you' were like."

"It wasn't me," Ronon said, and shrugged.

Addie visibly relaxed, looked up at him, and for first time in his presence she smiled. "God, what a relief."

Ronon lifted his brows and a tiny clutch of curiosity grabbed him. It was a relief that he wasn't the Ronon in her universe? Or it was a relief that he didn't want to know? Shrugging, he cast his curiosity aside. It didn't matter either way. Her world was gone, those people were dead, and she had better get used to living in this one. He'd seen what the what-ifs were doing to Jennifer and Rodney. He wasn't going to succumb to them. He knew how to give up a past life -- and that was one he'd actually lived.

They sat in silence for some time longer, until Ronon decided to ask, "You're a marine biologist, right?"

Addie nodded.

Ronon stared out at the horizon. The sun had begun its descent and the sunset looked like it would be a nice one. "So, you, what, study fish or something?"

"Or something. I used to manage a team of scientists at a marine wildlife refuge, but then I married, got knocked up, the world unraveled, and now I'm here."

"Going to start studying fish again?" Ronon asked.

Addie laughed. "I say all of that and that's what you ask?"

"Yes."

Addie touched his arm, her fingers gentle and soft. "Thank you."

Ronon shrugged.

Addie withdrew her hand and said, "What's changed? You know, you've done nothing but look at me like you'd sooner kill me than talk to me since the moment I stepped through the gate—"

"You didn't step through the gate."

Addie choked a little on another laugh and her expression of surprise at her own mirth made Ronon almost smile, too. "You're right. I didn't."

Ronon said, "Nothing's changed. I'm just used to you now."

Addie nodded and they both looked at the horizon until she stood up and said, "I guess I should go. I've been out here a long time and I'm probably getting sunburned. Besides, I'm getting hungry"

"I'll walk you to the cafeteria."

"No, you—you finish your run."

Ronon's gaze narrowed, he took in her pregnant form, and then gauged the distance back toward the closest building. "I'll walk you to the cafeteria."

"I'm pregnant not infirm."

"On Sateda, pregnant soldiers chose to continue to fight until the last three moons. You're a few weeks past that point. I'm sure you can walk, though."

"Yes, I can."

Ronon fell into step beside her and said, "You didn't ask."

"Ask what?"

"About Sateda."

"I don't think you want me to."

Ronon said, "Good. Then we understand each other."

"I hope so," Addie said and then hurried on, "Listen, I'm not sure about the cafeteria. It's almost time for-- well, what I mean is, I try to give people their space. I've got some food in my quarters. I'll just head back there.

"The cafeteria is serving orange jello tonight. McKay will probably be hiding out in his lab and screeching at anyone who brings any of it near him."

"There's no citrus in orange jello."

"Try telling him that," Ronon said, and Addie laughed again.

::::

While on Atlantis, the truth of her origin was a known and accepted fact that often resulted in annoying and prying questions that Addie hated having to fend off, but it also allowed her to prove herself rather easily to Ed Hartner, the chief marine biologist, and she had been allowed to observe the work in their labs.

Ed pointed out a few computers on his right that were running data unattended. "Right now, being dead in the water here on Earth, we're trying to take advantage of this time by running correlation analyses of what we've learned about the whales on various planets in Pegasus galaxy and comparing them to the work of marine biologists here in Hawaii."

He went on, "Clearly, the oceans of earth are being affected by the human population to a huge extent. If we compare the health of our whale population to, say, the whales on M7198, then we see the true impact of industrialization, sonar, and other technologies."

Addie didn't mention that by the time she'd achieved her PhD in her timeline, all of these problems had culminated in the near extinction of non-captive whales on earth.

"Currently, we're part of the problem," Ed continued. "Our position in the middle of the Pacific has required significant rerouting of naval, military, and shipping vessels. The submarines which normally train in this area are working closer to the whale migration lines. We have our concerns about how this is going to affect them."

After exploring the lab with Ed at her side, he turned her loose. "Feel free to look over whatever you want. Just stay away from the running experiments."

Addie thanked him, and after he left to check on some other analyses, she sat down at a computer and began to refresh her memory of journal articles that had been antiquated by the time she was educated. She read for hours, forgetting her lunch, until the baby began to kick inside of her, reminding her of its own dietary needs.

Alone at a table in the dining room, Addie contemplated the perfectly balanced sea within her womb, and the precarious position of the sea Atlantis currently sat upon. Alkalinity, acidity, salinity, pH, numbers and theories ran through her mind, and she gathered up her tray in a rush, and returned to her room. She grabbed some paper and pencils, and immediately left again. People looked at her oddly in the hallways as she walked toward the pier, talking under her breath constantly, "A 6 db change equals a doubling of loudness, but is a 15 to 40 percent increase in sound transmissibility negligible? Ambient noise, even in small increases, can create significant changes in speech interference in humans, how do we know how it affects..."

The fresh air on the pier sharpened her mind, and she sat down to work. She didn't know for sure, but it was worth looking into, and the CO2, also. There was something there, something she knew was just outside of her reach, something she started snapping her fingers trying to grasp.

::::

John put aside the iPod. Every day he listened to any recordings of conversations Addie, Jennifer, and Rodney had with the psychologists. He listened to Jennifer and Rodney's interviews, not simply because he could, but because, he told himself, with Atlantis being due for clearance to leave for Pegasus soon, he needed to be fully apprised of the emotional and mental well-being of his chief medical officer and head scientist.

John had always trusted his gut, and his gut told him that he needed to know first-hand what was being said in those meetings, and that a psychologist's summary report wouldn't tell him what he needed to know, in part because no psychologist knew Rodney McKay the way John did.

With regards to Addie's sessions with the psychologist, his reasons for listening had become complicated. He believed that there were things she wasn't talking about – important things, and over time he'd begun to wonder just who they were important to and why.

He no longer believed her to be any kind of security risk, and yet her reticence toward answering specific questions about her associations with individuals from the prior timeline nagged at him. She would talk about her father rather easily; though, she would occasionally clam up about him, too. She would vaguely discuss her husband, but never called him by name. In fact, she had outright refused to discuss her relationship with her husband on more than one occasion, and had become utterly silent when asked if she had had a relationship of any kind with her timeline's John Sheppard. The psychologist had probed and prodded as Addie had sat in silence.

The recording that John had just finished listening to ended with the psychologist eliciting a reluctant agreement from Addie to discuss her husband during some future session, and John had a very bad feeling about that. A _very_ bad feeling. The kind of feeling that needed a confirmation immediately, if possible.

He knocked on the door to Addie's quarters but she wasn't there, and the marine biologists that she often hung out with said she'd been in their labs earlier, but had left some time ago. He walked quickly toward the cafeteria and stopped in the doorway. His mouth almost fell open to see her sitting at a table by the window with Ronon – who was _smiling_. Really? John shook his head to clear the strange vision from his eyes, but it was still there.

Bracing himself, John walked toward the table and sat down in the empty chair next to Addie. She smiled at him in greeting. "Hi, John," she said, and her eyes weren't the heavy, empty brown that he'd seen every other time he'd spoken to her.

He cleared his throat. "Hi. Um, sorry to interrupt this 'luncheon' you're having here, but…Addie, we need to have a little talk."

Ronon stood up, grabbed his tray, and said, "See you later," to John or to Addie or to them both, John wasn't sure.

Addie watched him leave with a strange expression and then turned to John. "Okay, what's up?"

He didn't want to waste time in small talk, but they couldn't discuss it here. He jerked his head toward the exit and said, "You need to come with me."

Addie's face grew pale as she asked, "You seem worried. Is the baby okay? The tests I had this morning…?"

"It's nothing like that," John said, guiding her from her chair. "I just need to ask you some questions and I'd rather it was in private. I don't think either of us want other people overhearing this conversation."

Addie was obviously anxious, but she followed him without further question, and even walked quickly given how much weight she was carrying with the baby. When they reached John's quarters, she stood in front of his bed staring up at his Johnny Cash poster, shaking her head, slowly. "You have one, too," she said, amusement and wonder in her voice. "He always had it over the bed. It was a _thing_."

John's heart beat faster as he said, "Have a seat."

Addie complied, her fingers pulling at her clothes nervously. "Why are we here?"

"Your room is bugged and this is a private conversation."

Addie shook her head. "No, I meant, what are you wanting to talk to me about?"

John sighed forcefully, scrubbed a hand through his hair, and finally knelt down in front of her. His stomach was in knots. "Addie, this is awkward."

"Okay," Addie said.

John grimaced. "I have to ask."

"Go on."

"Okay…listen. Was…well, was your…In your reality, was John Sheppard…" John closed his eyes and then opened them again, wanting to see her expression. "Was your John Sheppard the father of your child?"

"_What?_" Addie asked. "Why would you ever ask that?"

"Listen, Addie, you can tell me the truth. I've had access to all of your interviews and, well, frankly, you're more than a little weird when it comes to me. You never talk about your John Sheppard if you can help it, and you do this _thing_ when you talk about him."

"This _thing_?" Addie asked, incredulous.

"Every time you talk about your John Sheppard you say, 'My…John', with a pause, just like that," John said, his voice rising in tone.

"Well, I wasn't claiming him as _mine_." Addie sounded disgusted. "Not like _that_."

"So, you're saying that I'm…I mean, your John Sheppard is not the father of your child."

"No, he's not."

"Listen, Addie, be honest. If I…he was the father, then I'd like to know and be part of the child's life."

"I _am_ being honest, and you have no idea how disturbing that question is. Seriously, _no idea_. Please, _never_ ask it again."

John sighed and rested back on his heels. Addie actually looked sick to her stomach and John reached out to touch her. "Are you okay?"

"I will be. After I bleach my brain."

"I don't know if I should be offended or not," John chuckled, trying to break the tension.

Addie stood up. "I should go."

"Addie, wait -- I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to—

"Do the honorable thing," Addie supplied, her smile sad. She sat back down on the bed. "You're a good man, and you are _very much_ like my…John."

"You did it again," John said, pointing at her and narrowing his eyes.

Addie continued, "I think we both know, or at least, I'm pretty sure, that you wouldn't be interested in sleeping with me in this universe. Am I right?"

John lifted his eyebrows.

Addie nodded. "And you can assume that was true in mine, too."

John let out a low whistle and sat down next to Addie on the bed. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I see."

"Yeah, you see," Addie said.

John looked up at the ceiling, and said, "Ah, hell, hit me with it. Tell me about him. What do we have to lose?"

"For me? Nothing. I've lost almost everything." She touched her stomach as though to remind herself of what she still had yet. "For you, though? Well, I've seen how Rodney and Jennifer have reacted to me being here, and they don't know everything about the versions of them that were my parents. What little they do know is tearing them apart, making them doubt themselves and each other, causing them to make different choices."

"Addie, you're here. The best thing we can all do is start dealing with that. I'm ready if you are," John said.

Addie shook her head, and looked away. "I don't know if you want to hear this story, John. God knows I've tried very hard not to tell it."

After waiting what seemed like forever for her to begin, John started for her. "What did you call your John Sheppard? Uncle? Something like that?"

"All right," Addie said, and then she proceeded to blow John's mind. "I called him Pop."

John didn't think he understood. "Like, Pop Goes the Weasel? Some kind of nickname?"

"No, like he was my father."

"Because he was like a father to you?"

Addie looked down at him and her dark hair swung down between them. "No, because he was my father. My other father."

::::

_Dr. Lowell:_ Let's talk about John Sheppard, Addie.

_Addie:_ All right.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I'll go ahead and tell you that John Sheppard was in here earlier to talk about the discussion you had with him yesterday. He said it was okay for me to share that fact with you. It is likely that he will share our conversation with you himself.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Addie, can you tell me about your life with the man you called John Sheppard?

_Addie:_ When I was still a small baby, my mother was killed in the Wraith attack. My father…my _dad_, Rodney, took me to earth. He left Atlantis because he wanted me to be safe from the Wraith. When I was about four years old, my pop, John Sheppard, was injured in a Wraith attack. The medical facility on Atlantis had been destroyed, and Pop's injury was such that he was evacuated to Earth while still unconscious for emergency surgery. They were able to save his leg, but he always had a limp afterward.

_Addie:_ When Dad heard that John had been injured, he was there the next day. He sat by Pop's bedside until he woke up, and when he was well enough, Dad brought him back to our apartment in Colorado Springs.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Why are you laughing?

_Addie:_ Ah, I was just remembering that we had a cat, Mr. Bojangles, and Pop was allergic so he had to get allergy shots. He was always complaining about that cat, but he was more out of sorts when she died than me and Dad combined.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Mr. Bojangles was a girl.

_Addie:_ Well, physically, yes, but I'm pretty sure she was transgendered. Anyway, that's—

_Dr. Lowell:_ I want to come back to the cat at some point.

_Addie:_ All right, but, anyway, that's where it happened. That's where they fell in love. Or to be more precise, that's where my dad fell in love with my pop, because Pop had been in love with Dad for years. They were together a long time. That was my life, that's how I grew up, and I loved them both more than I could ever begin to tell you. Seeing them here, in this universe, well, it's strange to say the least. It kind of breaks my heart. I don't…I don't know what else to say about that.


	4. Chapter 4

Ronon dropped down next to Addie on the pier. She held up her finger for him to wait a minute, scribbled a few more equations, and then smiled at her work. While he waited for her to finish, Ronon noticed the way the sun had brightened her cheeks and the end of her nose was a little sunburned. She put aside her papers and pencils, tucking them into the small briefcase she'd gotten from somewhere.

Ronon leaned back on his hands and said, "John told me about your fathers."

Addie's glance betrayed her surprise. "He did? Why?"

"He said you could use someone to talk to besides that jerk therapist."

Addie shook her head, laughter playing on her lips. "I see. Like I told him, he's a good man."

"The best," Ronon said solemnly, and then cleared his throat, having said with only two words much more than he meant to say.

Addie twisted her hair up into a knot and Ronon sat in silence a long time, watching as the wind worked it down again, one long tendril at a time. Then his focus shifted. Her pregnant stomach jumped and shifted of its own accord, and Ronon watched the life within it moving for several minutes.

"You never push me," she said, softly. "Why? Dr. Lowell and, damn, everyone else, for that matter, wants to know so much – what it's like to be me, who I was before, who _they_ were in my life, if they lived, if they died. Even Teyla asks me things that I would rather have left alone. But you! No, you come here, sit next to me, and invite me to share my secrets but that's it. No more than that. It's a simple invitation. Do you have any idea how nice that is?"

Ronon shrugged and said only, "I don't share much either. I know what it's like."

Addie brushed her hair behind her ear, turned to him, and said, "Okay, so something I've been thinking about lately, because of the baby," and she put her hand on her stomach to caress the still-tumbling bulge, "is how when I was a little girl on Earth, my dad used to tell me bedtime stories every night. At the time, I thought that he'd made them up, but later I realized that they were all from his actual experiences. Well, for the most part. There was always the possibility of his ego-fuel fanning the flames a bit."

Ronon grunted and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, gazing out at the sun glimmering on the waves.

Addie continued, "The stories always began with, 'Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away there was a brilliant scientist and a handsome colonel who secretly loved him…' and they were the most dramatic tales I could have ever imagined." Addie's smile was warm and soft, her eyes far away. "But they always ended with the scientist saving the day and the colonel still pining with love for him."

Addie shook her head and laughed a little. Ronon smiled with her. "So, what do you think of that?" she asked.

"That sounds like McKay," he said. "If McKay wanted Sheppard. And if McKay liked kids."

Addie gaped at him. "Your Rodney doesn't like kids?"

"Hates 'em."

Addie started laughing. "Oh, that's great. I mean, completely brilliant, right? It's like this entire timeline is a joke on me."

"He'd probably like his own," Ronon conceded, noticing how her teeth touched her lip when she smiled.

Addie grew quiet again for a few minutes and then said in a softer tone, "I don't see much of Jennifer anymore."

The wind had pulled her hair free again, and Ronon reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. The tinge of color that rose in her cheeks as a blush led Ronon to want to touch them, too.

"Yeah, she, um…" Addie seemed to shake herself a little. "She, um, well – the thing is, she kept asking me things, stuff about her life in my world, and she just wouldn't let it go. There's so much I can't tell her. I can't tell her about my dad and my pop. What if she thinks that they…in this timeline? And for all I know they do…"

"They don't."

"They don't love each other?"

Ronon stood up and stretched. "Yeah, well. It depends on what you mean by love. Come on. Let's go get dinner."

Addie reached for a hand and Ronon hefted her to her feet. Her stomach shifted again. "That kid is restless," Ronon commented.

"He's hungry," Addie said. "He gets that way before I eat and then he sleeps and sleeps." She twisted her hair up again and said, "Thanks for listening. It means a lot."

Ronon walked a few steps with his hand on Addie's back, until she turned a little and his hand slipped off and away.

::::

John lay on his bed thinking over the prior night's conversation with Addie, and the last thing Addie had said to him before he'd told her that she needed to leave. She'd complied looking stricken and worried. He could hear each and every word in his head like she kneeling next to his bed speaking them directly into his ear.

_And I lived with both of them my whole life. That was what I grew up with and that's why I didn't think I should tell you. Because I don't know about this timeline, I can't be certain, but I think that you love my dad, I mean, I think you love your Rodney. But I don't know how Rodney feels about you, or if…well, besides that, I can't wish that Jennifer would die, of course. So…I tried to not talk about it. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to hurt you with what could've been and what likely will never be._

"Will never be," he said aloud to himself.

All morning he'd been assaulted by flashes of another life where he lived with the man he loved, and had a family and a cat and a long, epic life with him. It was disturbing in some ways, and utterly incomprehensible in others, and yet, at the same time, he could imagine it all too easily, and it hurt like hell, a pain that he could barely tolerate.

He'd tried to exorcise it by confronting it head on. He'd gone to Dr. Lowell, told him about the revelation of the other timeline, and had then fielded addle-headed questions about his reaction to discovering that his doppelganger had a different sexual preference. The verbal maneuvers it had taken for him to prevent an outright confession had been shockingly easy after decades of practice, but he'd left feeling invisible and still wracked with pain.

Then, Ronon had sat and stared at John in the cafeteria with that _look_ on his face like he was going to find and kill whoever it was that had John tied up in knots. And then, Ronon had followed John back to his room with such determination that John became half-convinced that if he didn't talk to Ronon and tell him the truth, then he'd probably camp outside of John's door until he did.

Cracking open a few beers, John had passed one to Ronon and said, "Well, as it turns out, in Addie's timeline, Rodney and I were a couple after Jennifer's death. So, I guess, well, Addie had two fathers."

Ronon said, without a hint of surprise, "No kidding?"

"Yeah, well," John shrugged like it didn't mean a thing, when they both knew that it did. "It'd probably be a nice thing if you'd talk to her about it. She could use a friend she can be honest with right about now. And, obviously, I'm not the best guy for that job."

Ronon put the beer down and pulled John into a massive hug, clapping him on the back hard enough that John's beer sloshed on them both. John was humiliated by how much he loved it, how much he'd needed it. Then Ronon had left, thank God, leaving John to his own tortured thoughts.

Eventually, he decided to take a run, to try to pound the visions of that other life into the ground by the sheer force of his will. Because he couldn't, no, he couldn't let himself think about it anymore. He changed into sweats, t-shirt, and running shoes, and ran out of his room, literally slamming into the last person he wanted to see.

Rodney rubbed his arm, his face screwed up with pain. "Ow, God! Where's the _fire_? Don't you look where you're going? Other people live in this city, too, you know."

John pushed past Rodney, saying, "Sorry, McKay. I'm in a hurry."

"Hurry for what? Heatstroke and a heart attack? It's almost a hundred degrees out there!" Rodney grabbed John's arm and stopped him mid-stride. "Besides, I need to talk to you."

John stared at Rodney's grip on arm. His hand was strong and warm, his fingers insistent and attractive. John followed the line of Rodney's arm up to his face, and seeing that his expression was an odd mix of hurt, defiance, and anger, he relented. "Well, spit it out, Rodney. I'm meeting Ronon."

"_That_ is a lie," Rodney said, eyes narrow and chin up in righteous indignation. "Ronon is in the cafeteria talking to Addie."

"Oh," John said. "Maybe he forgot."

Rodney shook his head and moved in close, his lips slanted down hard and his nostrils flared. John didn't know if he was going to cry or start screaming in rage. "No, I don't think that's it. I think that maybe, just maybe, there's something you don't want to tell me. Something maybe you're ashamed to admit?"

John's stomach bottomed out. Rodney knew – he knew about Addie, about their lives in her timeline, and he knew about how John felt about him. He broke out into a cold sweat, the air in the hall suddenly frigid, and John shivered, trying to take a step away, but found his back against the wall.

Rodney went on, hissing, "Have you no shame? The woman is _pregnant_."

John swallowed hard. "What are you _talking_ about, Rodney?"

Rodney's eyes sparked. "Oh, don't even deny it. I saw her leaving your room yesterday evening. I mean, I understand that you have to have every attractive woman you see, and, yes, she is rather attractive, what with the McKay good looks and all, but the woman is going to give birth any day now—"

"Shut up, Rodney," John said, shoving against Rodney to get some room, needing to walk away and walk away fast.

"Oh, no you don't!" Rodney said, pushing against him. "She might not be my kid, but she's still my flesh and blood, as everyone keeps telling me, and my flesh is _off limits_, do you understand—"

John felt the words like a slam against his chest, hard and bruising. "Rodney, _shut up_." John said, grabbing Rodney, swinging him around, and shoving him against the wall. "You don't know what you're talking about and you're starting to piss me off."

Rodney put his chin up and said, "Piss _you_ off? You have no idea what I'm going through."

"You—" John fought the urge to say something he shouldn't and he could barely prevented spitting out something so true that it would scare Rodney to death. "Listen, I'm gonna say it one last time, _you don't know what you're talking about._"

Rodney's expression turned vicious, and he snarled, "Oh, so she turned you down did she? Should've given my genes more credit."

John wanted to punch Rodney so badly that he could taste it like vinegar on his tongue. His hand drew back and punched the wall beside Rodney's head instead, hearing a nasty crunch. Rodney's face went pale, slack, and sick.

John said again, his voice tight with pain, "For the love of God, _shut up_, Rodney."

John felt momentarily vindicated by the expression of misery on Rodney's face as John tucked his hand under his armpit and walked away, but the thrill passed quickly, and between the throbbing in his hand and the heaviness in his heart, he wished he could go back in time to wipe that look away.

::::

Teyla sat with John in the cafeteria watching him rewrap his broken hand. "Dammit, why'd I go and do something so stupid," John muttered.

"Rodney drives all of us mad at times," Teyla said as she took a bite of the meat her friends from Earth called 'chicken nuggets'.

"Yeah, well, I should know better by now."

Teyla lifted a brow and remained silent on the topic. Yes, John should have known better, but Rodney was to blame as well. He should know John well enough to know when he should walk away, or at least stop talking.

Ronon sat down next to them and said, "I thought we had a team meeting tonight."

"We do," John said. "Why?"

"McKay just got on a flight for shore leave."

"What?" John asked. "I didn't give approval for that."

"Yeah. Left a few minutes ago," Ronon said.

"That asshole," John said, tearing the tape with his teeth.

"He is having a difficult time," Teyla offered. "Have you not heard?"

John shrugged.

"He and Jennifer broke up," Ronon said, popping eight french fries in his mouth at once.

John's expression softened. "Stupid bastard," he muttered under his breath. Teyla tended to agree. John closed his eyes and shook his head before saying, "You say he just left?"

Ronon nodded around a gigantic bite of hamburger.

John pushed back from the table. "Meet me at the hangar at 1600 hours. We're having that team meeting, whether he likes it or not." John stalked away, his good hand clenched into a fist.

"Where's he going?" Ronon asked.

"I assume that he is planning to change out of his uniform."

Ronon took another bite of burger. "I guess we should go change into ours."

Teyla smiled. She felt the same way about her Earth-appropriate clothes. Over Ronon's shoulder, she saw Addie enter the cafeteria with her stomach much lower than it had been just the day before. "Her time draws near," Teyla said, nodding in her direction.

Ronon grunted, looking at Addie with a speculative expression.

"Does she talk to you of him?" Teyla asked.

"Of the baby?"

Teyla had meant the baby's father, but she allowed Ronon to misunderstand. "Yes, does she speak of the baby to you?"

Ronon shrugged. "She's said she's ready for it to be out. Most women say that."

"Yes, most women do." Teyla met his eye and they did not talk about Teyla's labor and birth, during which she had wished beyond all other things to keep her child in and safe from Michael. "Does she say what she wishes to call him?"

Ronon shook his head, stood up with his now empty tray, and said, "Nah, she's never said."

Teyla watched him walk over to Addie and sit down with her. She wondered how it came to be that she was the only one who knew.

::::

Rodney drank two tiny airplane bottles of rum on the flight to Honolulu. The alcohol burned as he poured it down his throat, and the other people on the flight watched him with mild expressions of concern, though Rodney suspected they mainly feared the alcohol would make him belligerent, and not a single one of them really gave a damn about his mental state.

Alcohol wasn't Rodney's coping method of choice, but his usual addiction, work, had basically kicked him in the balls, too. In fact, it had all started with work. He'd spent every hour of the last month combing through the information they could salvage from the crystals, looking for the most important data of all: how to build the Wraith-weapon. Addie had said that her father and Radek had designed it, expanding on Carson and Jennifer's work, and that it had made the Wraith unable to feed on humans. Nearly all Wraith had been affected by the weapon, except for a few rogue ships. She'd gone on to say that they'd assumed that the Wraith who started the rift had been trying to exit to another universe where they might find more pleasant and less dangerous feeding grounds.

The day before, Rodney had found the information – or what was left of it. The crystals had been damaged when they'd been thrown through the event horizon, and as Rodney's luck would have it, the data on the Wraith-weapon had been seriously impacted, leaving Rodney with nearly nothing to work with, just a bare-bones idea of what they'd done, and how they'd done it. No specifics, and nothing that he hadn't already considered a hundred-times over himself in the last year or two, but he'd never been able to make a breakthrough, and given that it had apparently taken him another twenty-six years to develop it in Addie's timeline, he was only sure that given that much time, he could probably do it again.

And, then, _then_…God, Rodney wanted to smash things or throttle someone just remembering it. That idiot Bob Dupont had come into the lab with a cup of hot coffee, spilled it on himself, hopped around like a crazy man on fire, lost his balance, tripped, and knocked over the table with the rest of the crystals on it. Three shattered. God only _knows_ what invaluable information had been lost. One of them might even have held additional information on the weapon.

As he walked through the airport, Rodney downed another tiny airplane bottle of rum that he'd pocketed. At eight dollars a pop, he was pleased that they at least packed a good punch. He grabbed a cab and gave the name of the hotel he stayed in last time with Jennifer. God, Jennifer. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it coming from the moment he realized who Addie was and what she represented, but he'd hoped, and he'd fought, because Jennifer had been the best thing that he'd ever had. But it hadn't been good enough. _He_ hadn't been good enough. He never was. For anyone.

He stumbled a little when getting out of the taxi, but he handed over the money, and climbed out with his small overnight bag on his shoulder. Rodney wasn't even sure why he'd come here. He just knew that he had to get away. He didn't even really like the place. It smelled of oranges and he'd bitched about it the whole time he'd been there with Jennifer, but he'd remembered that the bar was nice, dark, and comforting, and that there were a lot of marines there on shore leave.

Rodney dropped the key to his room on the bedside table, and raided the mini-fridge for another tiny bottle of something. He didn't much care what it was anymore. The alcohol did seem to make things a little softer, a little better, and he was glad for any reprieve. In fact, he felt so much better, he started to think that maybe he'd let himself think about John in a few minutes. Maybe. After he'd visited the bar.

In the darkness of the bar, Rodney decided that since he could no longer calculate just how many brain cells he was killing with each drink, it was time to think about John. _John_. Handsome, good, strong, smart, perfect John. His best friend. Kind of. The most handsome, smartest, sexiest best friend in the world. He loved him and he took another long drink as he remembered the way John's hand had crunched against the wall. God, he'd never wanted to hurt John. Only, he had. He'd wanted to. Hurt him. And hurt him deeply. The moment he saw Addie leaving John's room, something inside him snapped hard, like a rubber band – painful, shocking, horrible, and raw.

Rodney felt a flash of white hot rage and pain remembering the moment. It hurt more than he could understand, because it's not like…it was never as if…well, he held no illusions. He knew that John would never – not in a million years, not with him, not with anyone that wasn't tall, brunette, and female. He'd always known that his crush would be unrequited, and the love thing, well, he hadn't meant for that to happen, either, but he'd thought that he'd come to terms with it years ago. Until he saw Addie leaving John's room, and then it was like some bomb of insanity had been set off inside of his head. He'd wanted to hurt John so much, rip him into shreds, but when John had hit the wall, and Rodney had heard that awful crunch, it wasn't satisfying at all. It was terrible.

Rubbing a hand over his face, Rodney noticed that his lips were starting to feel very numb. He'd remembered correctly, the bar was dark and full of marines. Rodney had a weakness for marines. It had started in college when a jock he was tutoring under orders from an asshole professor, who was jealous of Rodney's brain and liked to make his life miserable, started offering blowjobs instead of cash. Shortly after Rodney had decided that the asshole professor had accidentally done him the biggest favor of his life, said jock dropped out of college to join the marines, in some misguided attempt to be more of a man and less of a queer. Or something like that. Rodney hadn't really rated an explanation apparently, but that's what he gathered from the message on his machine canceling their tutoring appointment.

Then there had been Will Olson, a marine he'd been involved with in Antarctica. Now, _that_ had been a fucked up relationship. A closeted marine in a "don't ask, don't tell" culture, and a semi-closeted scientist in tight quarters with several dozen bored, gossiping cohabitants on a giant slab of ice? It'd led to furiously fast blowjobs in closets, and crazy hand jobs in the shower, both of them terrified they'd be caught, and both of them kind of intoxicated by the idea, too. They'd fucked a handful of times, and it'd been insanely hot. Some of the hottest sex Rodney had ever had, and, truthfully, he hadn't had a lot.

But there had been so much humiliation attached to that relationship that Rodney still felt dirty thinking about it. For example, Will had loved it when Rodney fucked him in the bathroom stall. He'd made noises that made Rodney shift in his seat just to remember, but part of what had made it so hot was how degraded Will seemed to feel, like he could only get off if it was shameful for them both.

It'd ended badly, of course. Even knowing that it was a relationship that wasn't going anywhere didn't make it any less painful when Will stopped looking at him, and started treating him like shit. For Rodney, it had just seemed like par for the course. He'd never expected anything more.

Rodney gazed at a blond, tall marine in the bar as he sat down with a group of his buddies. When the marine met Rodney's eye, he smiled, and Rodney smiled back. It would be meaningless, and probably humiliating in the end, Rodney had no doubt, but a fuck in the bathroom or up in his room would be incredibly good right now. It could go a long way towards making up for the rest of his shitty life, at least as long as it lasted.

Time began to swirl a little and Rodney lost himself in it, flirting with the marine across the way, remembering Will's groans as Rodney had fucked him, forgetting about Jennifer and John, and how no one loved him, and how he couldn't even have a cat. Why would he need a cat, when he could fuck a marine that looked like that? He even kind of looked a little like John, if John were blond with green eyes and a square jaw line.

Rodney blinked in shock as Ronon sat down next to him with a beer glass in each hand. "Hey," Ronon said.

"How do you _do_ that?"

"The same way you do," Ronon said.

"No, I mean, how do you just show up? It's like magic. Poof! Presto! Magic!" Rodney made jazz hands and then dropped them to his lap. They felt unusually heavy. "I mean, to clarify, _where_ did you come from?" Rodney thought his words sounded a little slurred but he couldn't be sure.

"The airport," Ronon said. "Big place. Lots of planes."

Rodney snapped his fingers. "I love that place! They've got the best boiled peanuts at that little stand by the shoe polish guy. Have you ever had your shoes polished? It's the funniest thing—"

Ronon's eyes narrowed. "How much have you had to drink?"

Rodney slid down in his chair and smiled deliriously. He felt warm and, now that Ronon was here, safe. He tried to remember what Ronon had asked, and began to babble and answer, "Enough to be feeling no pain, or maybe some pain but I can't even figure out where it's located. And I've tried, too. Sometimes it feels like it's in my heart, but then it moves down to my kidneys, and then it feels like I've been kicked in the balls. It's traveling pain. It's awful." Rodney considered. At the moment, the pain seemed to be gone. "Or maybe I feel nothing at all and it's all in my head."

The marine across the way caught his eye again and Rodney smiled.

"You're drunk," Ronon said, putting down his beer glasses and looking toward the bar.

Rodney followed his gaze to see John and Teyla. Rodney sneered at John chatting up the bartender, some tall brunette. His usual type. Rodney's mouth tasted sour and he washed it away with another swig of his drink. Suddenly, he didn't feel so sorry about John's hand. "So the gang's all here, huh?" Rodney slurred.

"Team meeting," Ronon said, moving Rodney's glass out of Rodney's reach.

Rodney slouched, finding it harder to sit up than usual. His lips were tingling and when he smiled, his face felt strangely rubbery. "We haven't had a team meeting that meant anything since we landed on this damn planet."

"I thought you liked Earth," Ronon said.

"Yeah, I'm really fond of the citrus-soaked world that saw me through the horror of high school and the bitterness of college." Rodney paused to take another drink, and noticed that his glass was getting empty. He pulled another couple of tiny bottles out of his pocket, and poured them into the glass. "Got these from the room," he said, and he found it really hard to get the words out without his tongue getting in the way.

He glanced toward the bar just as the bartender reached out and touched John's hair, messing it up a little bit. Rodney's stomach hurt, but then he remembered – he had his own flirtation going on. "See that guy over there?" Rodney asked, pointing at the marine, and grabbing his glass back with the other hand.

"Yeah."

"He's been looking at me all night."

"So?" Ronon asked.

"So? He's hot!" Rodney paused. He felt a rush of blood to his face. Should he have said that? He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to focus, and then looked back at Ronon. He was a handsome guy, if you liked the type. Maybe it would be okay that he'd basically announced his bisexuality if…well, if…. "Do you like men, Ronon?"

Ronon lifted his eyebrows and looked back toward the bar like he was trying to get Sheppard's attention. Rodney snorted. Good luck getting that when the man was in the middle of picking up a woman. Besides, who needed John? The marine was checking him out again, a small smile on his face, and Rodney lifted his glass toward him. The marine turned away to say something to his friend--which reminded Rodney; he'd been talking to Ronon.

"I…well, I guess you know now, but I like men," Rodney whispered, leaning toward Ronon -- no need to blurt it to the whole room. "I like women, too, obviously. I mean, Jennifer was a woman, right? Is a woman. And Katie. And well, other people I've dated have been women. Are women. None of them had sex changes, so they are still women. And they aren't dead."

Ronon just stared at him.

Rodney felt his throat closing up with fear, so he cleared it and continued talking, saying, "Um, well, so – I guess you like women?"

"Yeah," Ronon answered, his eyes focused again on the bar.

"That's good. It's good to like women. Women are…good. I like them too." Ronon gave him a measured look and Rodney found himself still babbling and he wasn't quite sure why. "I mean, what I'm saying is, it's really easy to like women. It's—it's—" He snapped his fingers. "It's like pie to like women. Or maybe it's like pi. Wait, wait, no wait."

Rodney passed a hand over his face. The room was hot and crowded and really loud now. He felt confused and yet he wanted to make Ronon understand, he had to, because, really it was important. "Wait, that doesn't matter, because what I'm saying is that…what I'm saying is, um, I like men _and_ women. I used to think that meant I'd get laid a lot, but as it turns out," Rodney raised his finger educationally and tried to smile but it felt wobbly and weird. "Well, there haven't been as many as you'd think."

"I don't think about it," Ronon said.

Rodney touched his face – it was prickly and numb and his hands felt like lead. He scrunched up his lips and nose, trying to get some feeling back. It reminded him of going to the dentist, which is what he meant to say to Ronon, but somehow he was still talking about the other thing. "I never did get laid a lot. I guess I'm just not good at that kind of thing. I mean, getting to the getting laid part. I think once I'm doing it, I'm pretty okay at it. With men and women. Both. I mean. Am I making sense?"

Ronon said, "No."

"Oh, right, of course, I mean, you probably don't understand, being straight and all of that," Rodney stumbled on. "What I mean is—"

"Shut up, Rodney." Ronon said, taking Rodney's drink again.

Rodney needed that drink. He had no idea what he was saying anymore and it gave him something to help him keep his mouth shut, though he supposed that his mouth was open because he was so drunk, but still, he wanted it back. "Forget what I was saying," Rodney said, grabbing the drink and downing it all in one gulp.

"I will," Ronon said, gesturing toward the bar urgently.

Rodney slammed his glass down, suddenly kind of pissed off. "Why? I was just trying to be honest." Though it sounded like he might've said 'honesh' instead. "Dr. Franklin is always going on and on about my damn emotions and how I shouldn't fear them, and how I need to talk about them more, and just speak from the gut, and be honest, and that I should say what's on my mind—"

"You always say what's on your mind," Ronon said.

Rodney pounded his fist on the table. It sloshed their drinks everywhere, but he didn't care. Suddenly, he wanted to just say it, to say what he'd wanted to say to someone all night long, ever since he'd set eyes on that marine, and ever since John started talking to that damn bartender. "That's what you think. You want to know what's on my mind? Right now what's on my mind is that getting laid would be a great idea, and the other thing is that I miss fucking men. I miss it more than I thought I would, that's for sure. The way a man grunts when you fuck him? There's nothing like that. It's like a firebolt of hotness right up my spine. With women it's always about _love_ and _sweetness_, but with men it's—"

John sloshed beer on their table as he stumbled a little. John's voice sounded higher than usual, and he had a strange expression on his face, when he said, "Rodney, what the hell are you talking about?"

Rodney didn't know. He really didn't. He just knew that his mouth kept running and it had felt so good to get it all off of his chest, but he tried to keep his mouth shut now, because it was John, and saying the wrong thing to him could be dangerous.

"He needs to shut up. Now," Ronon said.

Rodney made the intergalactically understood gesture of locking his lips and throwing away the key. Ronon rolled his eyes and turned to John. "I think we might want to go now."

"We're here for our team meeting, and we're going to have one," John said, gesturing for Teyla to sit down.

Rodney, with his lips locked, gazed at John. He looked so rakish with his messy hair and wearing one of those button-down shirts that he always wore. Rodney suddenly remembered, he'd been such a dick to John earlier, and John probably hated him. The room was kind of spinning, and Ronon was still looking like he might smash Rodney with a fist if he opened his mouth again, but Rodney had to make sure John knew that he didn't mean all of those things he'd said. Yet, for some reason, what came out of his mouth was, "Do you wear those shirts just so your chest hair will stick out?" And then he was reaching out to touch it. He drew his hand back, staring at it incredulously.

John scooted away from Rodney, saying, "Maybe Ronon was right."

"He's had more than enough," Ronon volunteered.

"Oh, no," Rodney said. "No, no, no." He didn't want to leave. He had come here for a reason. He just had to remember what that reason was – oh, and there it was, looking at him from across the room. God, it had been so long, so very long, and he'd missed it so much. There was just nothing like it, nothing at all like fucking a man's tight ass. Rodney closed his eyes remembering, thinking about how it felt when he first got in, how it was so tight, and hot, and good…and wait, was he saying this out loud?

One look at John was enough to verify that he had said _something_. Rodney clapped his hands over his mouth, horrified, saying through them, "Oh, God. Help! Make me stop talking!"

John caught Ronon's eye from across the table. "C'mon Rodney, buddy. I think you've had enough to drink. Let's get you out of here."

John and Ronon stood up simultaneously and grabbed Rodney under the arms, both hauling him up and out of his chair. It was undignified and unnecessary; he could walk on his own. At least he was pretty sure that he could. Then, seeing the marine looking his way again, Rodney panicked. Getting carried out of the bar was going to keep him from getting laid! "Put me down!" Rodney yelled and struggled ineffectually.

"Rodney, you are drunk and you are saying things you will regret tomorrow," Teyla said, as John and Ronon began to half-drag, half-carry Rodney out of the bar, propped between their bodies.

"Psh, I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Put me down, I can walk and, dammit, this is my—" The marine come into focus as Rodney was dragged toward the door. It was desperate and pathetic, but it was his only chance for the night, and it wasn't like he hadn't completely humiliated himself already, how much worse could it get? He grabbed hold of the man's arm and said with what he hoped was a charming smile, "Hey, want to hook-up?"

The marine punched Rodney in the face. Ronon growled and leapt, Teyla threw a punch, and John dropped Rodney on the floor, jumping into the fray to attempt to exert some control over the situation. Rodney sat on his ass in confusion, watching the room spin while his friends threw amazing punches at what seemed like dozens of marines, as the warm taste of blood filled his mouth.

::::

John sat in Rodney's hotel room all night long, watching as Rodney slept off his drunken stupor. The shadows moved across the room as daylight crept in, and John stood up, prepared to be gone before Rodney woke. He paused for a moment, though, to study Rodney's face, almost childlike in his sleep.

All night long he'd thought about it. Rodney's little confession, little revelation, and the resulting revolution of John's ideas about the man. He had thought it possible, in the way of miracles, that Rodney might someday want to be with him the way he'd always wanted to be with Rodney. It'd been right up there with fish raining from the sky, or religious statues crying true tears, or voodoo zombies rising from the dead – not something that he'd entirely count out, but definitely not something he'd exactly count on either.

But now, between Addie's story about her fathers, and Rodney's rather detailed declaration of his predilection for sex with men, John felt like a huge door had swung open, revealing a room where everything he'd ever halfway believed would be revealed as reality if he'd just take a look inside, and it was exhausting all of his concentration to ignore that open door.

All night he'd wrestled with himself, trying not to entertain the thoughts that taunted him relentlessly, and he'd wrapped and rewrapped his broken hand reminding himself with each jolt of sharp pain that it was nothing to the emotional torture he'd undergo if he let himself begin to hope, to truly hope that anything could be different between the two of them. Rodney was mostly straight. Of that, John was certain. Rodney was on his team, and that made it impossible. Rodney was – waking up, and so John had to go.

As Rodney's eyelids fluttered and John stepped quickly to the door, but he didn't make it in time.

"John?"

John steeled himself and turned around. "Feeling better, buddy?"

"No, actually, I think I'm going to throw up." And then he bolted out of bed.

John helped him into the bathroom, and helped him lean over the toilet as he puked and puked, and as Rodney babbled that he was sorry, that he had been a dick, and then puked some more, John just told him to shut up, and then hated himself for being helplessly in love with Rodney even when he reeked of booze, sweat, and vomit.

He helped Rodney back to bed, and as Rodney drifted off to sleep on his stomach again, John realized that he'd been gently stroking Rodney's back. He pulled his hand away and sat back down in the chair. He scrubbed a hand over his face and tried to ignore that beckoning open door of his mind that led to thoughts he couldn't afford to examine too closely.

::::

_Dr. Lowell:_ Dr. McKay, this would go much more smoothly if you would cooperate.

_Rodney:_ I _am_ cooperating. I'm here, aren't I?

_Dr. Lowell:_ Rodney—

_Rodney:_ Oh, no, uh-uh, no getting all familiar. I know what you're trying to do. It's the same thing Dr. Franklin tried to do, and I'm not going there. Which Dr. Franklin knew, and is why, I suppose, he sent me to see you. It's Dr. McKay to you.

_Dr. Lowell:_ And what is it that I'm trying to do?

_Rodney:_ Don't act as if you don't know. You're trying to make me feel like you're my friend, and then you're going to try to get me to admit all kinds of things about my childhood and you won't feel like you've done your job until you've made me cry and beg for my long-gone mommy, and let me tell you, _Doctor_, if one can even call you that, I'll have none of it.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Your records show considerable cooperation with Dr. Kate Heightmeyer before her death.

_Rodney:_ Yes, well, she was much prettier than you.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I see. Well, perhaps we should talk a little bit about that. Do you think that you have issues communicating your emotions with, to, and possibly for men, Dr. McKay?

_Rodney:_ With, to, and possibly for? Please. You don't know me at all.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Exactly, Dr. McKay. Why don't you enlighten me.

_Rodney:_ I don't have trouble expressing my emotions "with, to, and possibly for" men. Can I go now? I have some very pressing work. I could have saved the world five times over in the time I've spent here with you. You have no idea the importance of what I do.

_Dr. Lowell:_ In what ways do you show men that you respect them or care about them?

_Rodney:_ What do you think I do? Give them a blowjob? What kind of ridiculous question is that?

_Dr. Lowell:_ A starting place.

_Rodney:_ If you say so, and, believe me, I don't. Listen, this is a waste of time.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I have a report here that says the fat lip you're sporting came from a marine who punched you because you hit on him.

_Rodney:_ Alcohol bad. Lesson learned. Can I go now? No? Fine, he was the one looking at me all night. I just offered him what he wanted.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I see. Was it what you wanted, too?

_Dr. Lowell:_ Dr. McKay? What you offered that marine, was it what you wanted?

_Dr. Lowell:_ Dr. McKay?

_Rodney:_ Not with him.

_Dr. Lowell:_ But with someone.

_Rodney:_ Is this confidential? Who has access to this information? You make tapes right? Okay, listen, I'll answer _some_ of your questions _if_ you hand over the tapes before I leave. The video _and_ the audio.


	5. Chapter 5

John sat back at his desk and re-read the notice. He stood up from his desk and walked down the hallway feeling shell-shocked and sick to his stomach. What had Rodney said? What had he done?

Rodney was sipping coffee and bitching out an underling when John arrived at the lab. "Rodney, we have to talk."

"Okay, yeah, we do, but I was just explaining to this Neanderthal that he can't just go around _touching_\--"

"Rodney. Now."

Rodney shooed his team out and turned to John, his face a jangle of nerves and bravado. "About the other night, I'm _sorry_ about what I said and what I did, and I guess I really owe you for sticking around to help me out when I was sick, especially after all I said to you. And, John, you have to know I didn't mean any of that, not like you thought. I don't know why I even—but, Sheppard, I'm humiliated enough from what little I do remember, so if we can skip any of your lecture, I'd…well, I'd sincerely appreciate it."

John sat down on a stool and covered his face trying to breathe. "Rodney," he finally managed to get out.

"What?" Rodney sat down next to him, mouth hanging open, and hand on John's arm. "Who's hurt? Are you okay? Ronon? Teyla? Not little Torin – right? He's okay. What's going on? John, you're freaking me out."

"Rodney, what did you say to that Dr. Lowell?"

Rodney leaned back, embarrassed and defensive. "It's—it's personal and it's none of your business."

"Oh, yeah? Well, this morning I got a reassignment notice."

Rodney's eyes grew huge. "They're sending you away?"

"No. They're sending _you_ away."

Rodney's face turned gray. "Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! They can't do that! They can't do that to me! I'm the best mind they've got here! I've saved everyone's collective ass a hundred thousand times if I've saved it once and they're reassigning me because of _that_? I mean, who cares about _that?_"

John grabbed Rodney's jacket and shook him. "_What??_ That's what I need to know, Rodney. I need to know what."

Rodney started to hyperventilate. "I can't…how can it be possible? My entire career thrown aside over that? It's preposterous. It's ridiculous – I just – how can they do this?"

John shook his head, ran a hand over his face and held it briefly over his mouth. "Rodney, just tell me."

"John, I can't leave Atlantis. This is my home, my entire life, everything important to me—"

"Rodney, if you think for one second I'm letting you leave here, you're crazy. We need you too much. _I_ need you too much. You've got to tell me what you said."

Rodney's knees seemed to give out and he sat down on the floor, putting his head in his hands. "I wish she'd never come."

John sat down beside him and waited. He knew that once Rodney got started it would all come pouring out.

"If she'd never come, then Jennifer would never have broken up with me. And if Jennifer had never broken up with me then I wouldn't have been in that bar, and if I hadn't been in that bar then I never would have outed my bisexuality to everyone on the team."

"No one cares about that, Rodney."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "That's easy for you to say. You didn't humiliate yourself by hitting on…well, you."

John said, "Rodney, please."

"If I hadn't gotten punched in the face, then I wouldn't have gotten transferred to Lowell, and Franklin could never get anything important out of me, hasn't been able to in _years_." Suddenly Rodney started laughing. "Do you remember, John, when Cadman and I were trapped in my body and she kissed Carson?"

"Yes, Rodney, but, for the love of God, stay on point."

"I'm staying on point, John."

Suddenly Rodney grabbed John's shoulders, leaned in and kissed him. John gasped and pulled back. Rodney licked his lips and looked away, embarrassed, "That's what I told him, John."

John shook his head and drew his knees up, dropping his head down. "Oh, God, Rodney."

"Yeah, I know. Not your kind of thing."

John shook his head, and something inside of broke into hundreds of pieces. He grabbed Rodney and kissed him back, wet and sloppy, tasting his mouth and his tongue, sucking on his lips, and digging his fingers into Rodney's shoulders and neck, holding him tight. Rodney's mouth was incredibly good, so much better than he'd imagined, and he pushed him down on the floor, before shoving away and standing up rubbing the back of his hand across his wet mouth.

Rodney gasped, "What? _What_ was that?"

John stopped at the door and turned around before walking out. "I managed to keep it to myself. Jesus, Rodney, you couldn't do the same?"

John walked out of the room and left Rodney on the floor gaping with his wet and glistening mouth.

::::

Ronon hadn't been able to find Addie all morning. Not that he was looking for her. It was just that they usually ate breakfast together or at least nodded across the room at each other on the days when Ronon sat with the team.

When Addie didn't show up in the cafeteria by lunch time, Ronon decided that dropping by her quarters wouldn't be out of his way. No one came to the door, and her marine biologist friends hadn't seen her in several days they said.

The infirmary was his next stop. "I haven't seen her, no," Jennifer said. "Do you think she's in trouble? The baby could arrive any time now. I'd hate to think of her alone somewhere out of—Ronon? Where are you going —Ronon?"

Ronon headed out toward the far pier, breaking into a run as soon as he was free of the buildings. He hadn't gone far when he heard a scream, and then another scream punctuated by a loud, deep groan. Ronon instinctively reached to touch his radio to call for help, but found that he'd taken it off after sparring and hadn't put it back on.

Another scream ripped the air, and Ronon kicked up his tempo. The end of the pier came into view with Addie on her hands and knees at the end, screaming and groaning as she rocked back and forth.

"Addie!" he yelled, but she didn't react. He wasn't even sure that she heard him. Another hundred yards and he had closed in on her, dropping to his knees beside her, he asked, "Are you okay? Can you talk to me?"

She grabbed hold of his arms and screamed, her face contorting in pain, her nails digging into his skin. Ronon grabbed her shoulders and held her upright against his chest. She was sweaty and pale, her eyes closed as she seemed to drift in and out of consciousness.

"Addie?" he said against her ear.

"It's you," she gasped. "Thank God, it's you."

"Yeah, I've got you. Do you think you can make it to the infirmary?"

Addie began to laugh hysterically until the laughter ended, escalating into wail of pain. Ronon held her, supporting her weight against him, and she began to grunt and push. "Addie, I think your baby's coming."

"Yeah, I think so, too," she said, and she laughed deliriously until it dissolved into a grunt as her body clenched and pushed.

"No, Addie, I think he's coming right now."

"He is," she gasped. "I can feel his head."

Ronon bent down, pushing the skirt of her dress up, and Addie leaned on his back for support as she pushed. Ronon couldn't see much because the dress kept getting in his way, but he saw the gush of blood down her legs, and reached out his hand to feel. The baby's head was definitely crowning, slick and hard against his fingers.

"Push, Addie. You can do this."

The next contraction gripped her body, and Ronon grasped the baby gently as it was expelled in a quick swoosh. Ronon handed Addie's son to her, the cord tethering them still pulsing. He pulled off his shirt and wrapped the baby in it, and gathered Addie close to support her as she laughed and cried, kissing the top of her newborn son's head.

When Teyla and a medical team found them, the baby was around twenty minutes old. Ronon had cut the cord with a knife and delivered the placenta, throwing it over the side of the pier in an offering at Addie's behest. Ronon was covered in blood and Addie was a mess, but Addie and the baby were both healthy.

::::

"Don't even think that you can just walk away after that," Rodney said, pushing into John's quarters.

"I think I did, Rodney," John said, sitting down on the bed, preparing to watch McKay rant and pace the floor.

"Yeah, you did, and what's up with that? I'd like it if just _once_ in my life, I got to be the one to walk out, or better yet, maybe _no one_ could walk out and I'd actually get somewhere with someone that I care about, but, oh no. No one will stick around, and why should I expect them to? Everyone leaves, _everyone_, even my own sister can't stand me half of the time, and my parents, let's not even talk about them, so why would I think you'd be any different?"

"Oh, shut up, Rodney."

"I will _not_ shut up. I can still taste your spit in my mouth, and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it right now, dammit, because I might the smartest person I've ever known, but I didn't see that coming and I want to know when this happened."

"When what happened?"

Rodney gestured hysterically between the two of them. "_This!_ Do _not_ play the idiot with me, John, I am _not_ in the mood."

John's stomach had been roiling since he first read the reassignment notice and this conversation wasn't settling it any. "What difference does it make?"

"What difference? What _difference_ does it make?"

"Yeah, Rodney, what difference does it make when this started. It sure as shit can't go on."

"Oh, _please_. All this 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' nonsense, and military regulations about team members, it's all garbage. What does it matter once we're in Pegasus? And don't think I'm going to forget that you didn't answer my question."

"Fine, it's been happening a little bit over and over for a very long time, and then it was a whole lot all of the time, and then it was all the time, but it doesn't _matter_, Rodney, because, no matter what you believe, rules exist for a reason, and people can and do get killed because of relationships between team members, and so long as it was just me, I knew I could keep it under control, but now? No. It can't happen."

"Under control? Is that what you call those suicide missions and the misery you've put us both through?"

"Rodney, right now, I don't even know if we're going to get back to Pegasus, so even if you wanted to flaunt the regulations in another 'safer' galaxy, which, frankly, I don't think I could do, the NID hasn't cleared the city for return, _and_ because of your stupid big mouth I've got a reassignment notice to try to buck. What the hell were you thinking telling that man that you have the hots for me?"

Rodney flailed. "The _hots_ for you? You think I have the hots for you?"

"Want to bone me, whatever the kids are calling it these days, yeah." John's stomach twisted again. "Wait, _don't you_?"

"Yes, you idiot! Doesn't everyone? But I don't have the hots for you, I…" Rodney came closer and knelt down in front of John, his face growing redder. "I can't believe I have to say this out loud…I mean, I know I'm not good at relationship stuff—and really, why _does_ it have to be so hard? Why can't we just have sex and be friends and be in love, and not have it be some big deal where I get you flowers and tell you that you look beautiful in that – that—black t-shirt?"

"You think you love me?"

"Yes! Didn't I just say that?"

"Rodney, you're just hurt over Jennifer. You don't know what you're saying." John shook his head and closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to look at Rodney's vaguely panicking face.

"Excuse me? Are you presuming to know—"

"Rodney, I know all about you and Katie, and you and Jennifer, hell you made it pretty clear you were in love with them both, so, yeah, that makes me more than a little doubtful of your affections. Not that it matters anyway."

"I've loved you longer and more than I ever loved either of them," Rodney whispered, suddenly slumping against the wall and sliding to the floor.

John's heart clenched and he found it hard to breathe. He wanted to tell Rodney that he'd loved him for what felt like forever, that it'd been inevitable, that he'd fought it, but he couldn't keep it from happening in this, or, apparently, any other world. But he couldn't say that. He never could say what he felt, not even when he should, and John was pretty sure that he absolutely _shouldn't_ say what he felt now.

John crossed the room, and followed Rodney down, sitting next to him, shoulder to shoulder, feeling Rodney's breathing turn into the weird gasping that heralded tears or a panic attack or both. "So, what are we going to do?" Rodney said, his voice high pitched and broken. "What does it matter? I screwed everything up."

"Again," John supplied.

Rodney brought his knees up and buried his face in hands. He sounded desperate when he said, "John, seriously, if I can't go back with Atlantis, can't we just…can't I just have this one thing with you?"

John wanted to kiss him so much he couldn't breathe. He slapped Rodney's arm and said, "Rodney, you dope, I've already told you, I'm not letting you go anywhere."

Rodney looked up at the ceiling, resting his head against the wall. "When? When did you tell me that? I don't remember you telling me anything of the kind. There was a kiss, a question about me not being able to keep my mouth shut, a heated discussion in which you've rejected me over and over--"

"And nothing about that says 'I'm gonna get your damn position back' to you?"

"_No_, not really."

"Well, I am."

"Oh." Rodney cleared his throat and asked, "How?"

"That's for me to know and you to…not know."

"John…"

"Yeah?"

Rodney pushed at him with his shoulder. "Are we good?"

"We're good, buddy. We're good."

John knew it was coming and he didn't stop it. Rodney leaned over and kissed him, sweet and gentle. John closed his eyes and kissed him back.

"Okay, how about now? After that, are we still good?" Rodney asked, moving to get a better angle before pressing another kiss to John's lips.

John wanted to say no, he knew that he should say no, but instead he kissed Rodney again, and he fell into it like it was the easiest thing in the world. Easy like gravity pulling him down for a crash landing.

::::

Frottage on the floor wasn't the plan when Rodney kissed John, but it was what he got. It was hot and sticky, and faster than he would've liked, and he hoped it wasn't his last opportunity. John lay beneath him, breathing heavily, eyes closed, and his pulse pounding like mad in his neck. Rodney couldn't help but grin.

John's eyes opened suddenly and he narrowed his eyes at Rodney. "When you say that you—" John seemed to struggle with the words. "When you say you love me, what exactly do you mean by that?"

Rodney moved off of John a bit, but still used his body weight to keep him on the floor. "It means that I fell for you over and over for a long time."

"Get your own lines, McKay."

Rodney templed his hands on John's chest and rested his cheek on his fingers. "Okay, then, let's speak your language, Colonel. Call it acceptable losses. When it comes to you, I'm willing to put myself in the acceptable losses column."

John went still beneath him, and then suddenly shoved him off.

"Hey, what?"

"No. We can't do this." John began pacing the room, his hands tearing into his hair.

Rodney knelt on the floor, and sputtered, "What? You can't stop now."

"Yes, I can. And I will. Do you know what this is, Rodney? This is skydiving without a parachute."

Rodney stood up, grabbing John's arm, and pulling him around, face to face. "I know and I don't care. That's what I just told you. Doesn't anyone ever listen to me? God, I might as well have been born without vocal chords for all the--"

"I heard you. And _that_ is the reason we can't do this." John leaned in close, pointing with his finger, his face all twisted like he might throw up. "There are rules for a reason. People get killed. And you are _not_ an acceptable loss. You never have been and you never will be."

"What's the difference? We've had these feelings for a long time now, at least I have, and you _said_ that you have, too, and we've managed to stay alive so far. You, me, Teyla, and Ronon—we're a team, and we've stayed alive no matter what. All of us." Rodney knew he was babbling, but the hysteria rising in his chest at the expression of resolve on John's face wouldn't let him shut up. "Sure, we've admittedly had some pretty close calls. So what? How does the very excellent fact, in my opinion, that we both _know_ now, how does it matter, except that we can, you know, do _that_ again?"

John shook his head, his eyes narrow and his mouth tight. "No, Rodney. One thing I always thought I could rely on to counteract any risk that my feelings for you put on the team and the mission as a whole was your overriding sense of self-preservation. What you're telling me is that I can't count on that anymore, and I can't allow that, Rodney -- I _can't_. So this ends. In fact, it never happened."

Rodney gaped as John walked out of his own room and stalked down the hall. The wet mess in Rodney's pants was a reminder that less than ten minutes ago he'd been kissing John's neck, and listening to John's soft noises as they rocked together on the floor. The incongruity was like whiplash and he stood staring at the spot where they'd lain in shock.

::::

The contractions had begun the prior afternoon. She'd been on the pier working, thinking through some more equations, and trying to remember what her father had told her several years ago about some information in the Ancient database, and how it was discovered too late to help the whales on Earth. It was something that she'd never taken the time to look at because it wasn't applicable to her work at the time, but she'd kept the information on her computer for years because she cherished the fact that when her father saw anything about whales, he sent it to her.

For some reason, it seemed like labor had come on without warning. Though, given the nearly ten months of growth and expansion of her stomach and discomfort, to say it was without warning seemed ridiculous. Still, when the harder contractions began in earnest, it was a surprise, a shock, and she kept asking herself if it was possible that she just had a stomach virus.

However, by nearly four in the morning, it was clear that it was not a virus, and it also seemed like labor was going to last forever. The contractions were intense, yes, but not unbearable, providing long, pain-free minutes in between. Addie lay in her bed as the sun came up and shone through the small window in her room, as she watched the clock roll slowly through the hours.

Addie hadn't imagined how plodding labor would be, how arduous, and how lonely. As the contractions grew stronger, she found herself less able to deal with each one, even though the time between them didn't lessen or grow into a distinct pattern. As the pains increased, she considered going to the infirmary. A spike of hot rage flashed through her as she thought of being surrounded by strangers, or, worse, seeing Jennifer, the woman who _wasn't_ her mother, during this time when she felt so vulnerable and helpless. That was not what she'd wanted. That was not what she'd planned.

She stood and walked into the hallway, and started toward the pier. Walking increased the contractions, and she hurried on when several people in the hall stopped to ask if she was okay, shooing them away by murmuring about Braxton-Hicks contractions. Her heart pounded in her chest, and her hands trembled as she pushed her way out of the last building and into the fresh air.

If she could have run, she would have, but her body was weighted down and the contractions were sharper now, leaving her shaking with exhaustion. The end of the pier was in sight and she collapsed into a heap, trying to relax as another contraction rocked her body. When it was over, she kneeled up, took a deep breath, raised her fists to the sky, and screamed to her husband and fathers, "I hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!! How could you do this to me? How?" As another contraction hit, her hands dropped, and she curled in on herself, still sobbing, "I _hate_ you! I hate you."

When that contraction was over, Addie stood up and screamed on and on, letting out her fear and rage, until she fell again to the ground, wracked with another pain. This contraction was different. It took the breath from her completely, and she couldn't move or make a sound. Even the ocean waves were overwhelming, as though she could feel the noise on her skin, pushing against her every cell. It was too much. She couldn't do it. She couldn't imagine making it through another contraction that felt like that one. Her anger turned to fear.

She looked toward the buildings, and wondered if she started to crawl between contractions if she could make it before the baby was born. Then she was hit by another pain, and she was rocking on her hands and knees trying to escape it, lost in cascading contractions of pressure and pain, interspersed with strange, long, lost moments where she was transported into herself.

Visions rolled over her like waves: the world turned inside out, the sky a sea of fish, the ocean an endless sky, and whales that sang songs of new life in her ears as she cried out with pain. There were a few moments when she thought for sure she was in the small cabin she'd lived in when her husband had first told her he loved her, and she'd screamed with unbearable force when she opened her eyes on the next contraction and saw the pier, the sky, and the ocean, and knew for sure that she wasn't there.

She'd almost thought it was another vision when Ronon knelt beside her and took her into his arms. She wasn't sure what he was saying, but she heard his voice, heard the encouragement, and gave over to him. Lost to the moment, she pushed and pushed and pushed and when it was over, she held the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen, and she cried.

It was then that Ronon did the inexplicable and unexpected. There with her newborn child in her arms, the cord still pulsing between their bodies, Ronon leaned down and kissed her.


	6. Chapter 6

John stopped by the gym to shower and changed into the workout sweats he kept stuffed in a locker near the sparring room. He stared at himself in the mirror for a long time. Even after the shower, he could still feel the burn on his face from the scrape of McKay's beard on his own, and he bent over the sink, holding onto the sides, pressing his head to the edge as he remembered McKay's whimper as he'd come, and his giddy smile after.

God. What had he done?

Other memories blazed through John's mind – Rodney at gunpoint, Rodney tied up, Rodney banging on his door in the middle of the night, frightened that he was losing his mind. He remembered Rodney laughing with Jennifer Keller over lunch, and how he'd fallen apart over her more than once. He remembered the way Rodney had tagged after Sam Carter, embarrassing himself for too many days before overcoming his lust for the woman. And Katie -- Rodney had sat by her side, holding her hand until he was sure she was going to be fine. His affection for them had not been disingenuous.

Unlike John's own dalliances with women which had always been more about trying to be something that he wasn't, something that the woman needed him to be, Rodney truly cared for and enjoyed women as romantic partners. It would be better for him, for all of them, if Rodney went back to pursuing Jennifer, or found another woman and made a little family.

John washed his face again, and rinsed out his mouth, trying to wash the last of Rodney's taste away, taking deep, determined breaths. He couldn't think about it anymore, and it wouldn't happen again. It couldn't. The risk was too great for all of them. John knew that he'd always been willing to do anything to keep Rodney safe, but the idea of Rodney doing anything to keep _him_ safe? Unacceptable. Impossible. Dangerous.

No matter, what, though, even if he had to put McKay on a different team, John wouldn't allow them to take Atlantis away from Rodney. And that had to be dealt with first. The tapes were in his office, and he knew there was something in them if he just paid a little more attention.

::::

_Dr. Lowell:_ John, you expect me to believe that Dr. McKay made up everything he talked about in his last session with me in order to…what? Be difficult? Please, John. I'm one of the best in my field. I know when people are lying, and Rodney McKay was not lying. You, however, are.

_John:_ I think you should call me Colonel, and I don't really care if you believe me or not, Doctor. All I know is that is what you'll be putting in your next report when you retract your reassignment recommendation.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Colonel, I understand that Dr. McKay is _important_ to Atlantis, but I can't in good conscience allow him to remain on the same team with you. When feelings like the ones Dr. McKay admitted to begin between team members, people get killed. At the very least, Dr. McKay will need to be transferred to another group, and a new scientist assigned to you. I've heard good things about, ahhh, Radek, I believe?

_John:_ Interesting, because I've been ignoring my good conscience for quite some time now. Specifically, regarding the interesting and lengthy pauses in the tapes of Jennifer Keller's appointments with you. Now, I wonder what your supervisors would say about those.

_Dr. Lowell:_ Ah. I didn't realize you were listening to Dr. Keller's tapes.

_John:_ Yeah. I kinda didn't think you did.

_Dr. Lowell:_ I see. Well. Perhaps, I did misunderstand Dr. McKay yesterday.

_John:_ I thought you might have. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a new grandkid to go see.

::::

Addie watched Jennifer putting a fresh diaper on her son. "He truly is a beautiful child, Addie."

"Thank you."

Jennifer handed him back and then stood awkwardly for a few minutes. "Well, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, there's something I wanted to talk you, and I wanted to tell you myself before you heard it from anyone else."

Addie sat down and bit her lip. She felt like she was going to cry, even though she didn't know exactly why. She and Jennifer had been friendly, spending more time together than Rodney had graced her with, but it had never turned into the dream relationship that Addie had unwillingly hoped for. In some ways, that seemed entirely right and natural, but in others it made her unbearably sad.

"I have decided not to return to Pegasus when the city is cleared to go," Jennifer said. "I've been offered another position, and I've decided, for the time being to take it. Dr. Johansson will replace me as chief of medicine."

"And this is…because of me?"

Jennifer smiled gently, and touched Addie's arm. "Addie, please don't take responsibility for this situation. You arrived here, and now…our world is different. I _am_ making different choices than I would have made without you. I ended my relationship with Rodney and I have begun a new one with another man."

Addie shook her head in frustration as tears filled her eyes.

"Addie, I have to look at this as an opportunity. Because of you, I won't die in the Wraith attack. Now, I might die in a car crash, or of a heart attack, or any number of other possibilities, but that one – well, now it will be off the table."

"I'm sorry. I'm acting like a little kid. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Jennifer shook her head. "You just gave birth, your hormones are all over the place, and this is an emotional topic. Even though I'm not your mother, I know that I represent that to you in some ways, and I guess that's why I wanted to tell you myself. I want you to know that I want to stay in touch with you. I want to be part of your life to the extent that it makes sense for both of us."

Addie hugged Jennifer for a long time, feeling the softness of Jennifer's cheek on her own, the scent of her hair, and wondered if her own mother had smelled just like this. When her son began to cry from the little cradle by the bed, Addie let go and picked him up. "He's hungry," she said.

"You should nurse him. I'll just—"

"No. Stay?"

Addie lifted her shirt and using a pillow managed to get the baby latched to her breast. The silence grew and Addie suddenly knew how to break it, "So, um, I have been working on this theory."

"You've been working? You just gave birth!"

Addie smiled. "Yeah. It's the McKay in me – I guess."

Jennifer smiled and said, "Tell me about your work."

"Do you know much about the way that whales travel? Right. Well, changes in the pH of the water affects the way that sound travels…"

She talked to Jennifer for awhile, showing her equations and her working theories about how even a relatively small change in the water pH could result in the eventual extinction of all whales on earth. She didn't mention the project that she'd conceived of the day before she gave birth on the pier, the one about how to reverse the course of the problem. That was something she was saving for Rodney. If he ever came around.

::::

Rodney left John's office and stood in the hallway for a few minutes trying to collect himself before moving on. He should have been jubilant. After all, John had done it. Somehow he'd gotten the reassignment waived, and Rodney wasn't going to lose Atlantis, after all. In addition, he'd talked John into keeping him on the team, but it had been a close thing. He wasn't sure what had tipped John back in his favor, whether it was his promise not to ever put anything above his own safety, or his insinuation that maybe John shouldn't trust another team with it, either. Based on John's expressions, Rodney thought it was the latter.

But it wasn't all win.

They'd fought about their non-relationship, again. Rodney had said, "I know I'm not good with people, and I'm exceptionally bad at making other people know how I feel about them, but every day we put our lives on the line and for what? If we can't even have this – this one little thing that will make us both happier?"

John had replied, "Rodney, you don't _know_ that it will make us happier. It probably won't. It isn't even an option."

Something about his face must have made John soften, because he'd put his hand on Rodney's shoulder and said, "Listen, you're better off focusing on figuring out the Wraith-weapon and finding another pretty girl to marry, okay? I just want you to be happy."

"Happy? You think that I can be happy now that I know – oh, no. You don't get off so easily! It's not fair! Wait, I get it. You're pissed about Jennifer and Katie still, aren't you?"

"Rodney, it has nothing to do—"

"Don't deny it!" Rodney heard the tremble in his own voice, but kept on talking, hoping that he would be able to say what he wanted without breaking down or being too much of an ass.

John had said nothing, just looked wounded and sick, and he'd tried to turn away from Rodney altogether.

Still, Rodney hadn't been able to shut up, going on to say, "Listen, I might have loved Katie and especially Jennifer, but it's like pie and cake. I might love cake, I might crave cake, I might even jerk off thinking about cake, but pie is good too! I mean, pie's weird in that you never know what the filling might be, it could be too gelatinous or have too much fruit or whatever, so you're never quite sure what you're going to get, but with cake there's mystery, too -- is it chocolate or vanilla or something else underneath the icing? But whatever because cake is great, but pie is good, and so you if can't have cake you eat whatever pie comes your way, and you like it. I don't see what's wrong with that! And it proves nothing about my feelings for you just because I ate some pie."

John hadn't met his eyes, just shook his head and said, "Rodney, between the cat and dog conversation and this cake and pie thing--"

"I know, bad analogies all around, but I don't care, because you've got to see what I'm saying here. Just because I never even allowed myself to think of you as a real, live, honest prospect for me, doesn't mean that you can just dismiss this between us."

Rodney thought he might be making headway because John slumped a little. Then John sighed and said, "Rodney, it's complicated. You don't understand. You've never even been in a relationship with a guy--"

"And you have?" Rodney felt strangely sick when John nodded a little. "When? And why don't I know about this?"

"I don't know, Rodney, it's not exactly something I hang on a shingle outside my door."

"Well, I want to know. Was it that guy in Afghanistan? The one you went back for?"

"Rodney, I never said I was in any serious relationship with a guy, okay? So calm down."

"But not so serious? What was it unrequited? Is this something you _do_? Fall in love with men you think won't love you back, and -- ho! Here I am throwing a wrench in the works and messing up your entire way of life?"

"Rodney, it's just that this isn't a risk worth taking. No amount of saying it is will make it so." John ran a hand over his face and sighed heavily.

"So, you're just pulling the 'it's a bad plan' card on me? You're saying that I'm not worth the risk?" Rodney's mouth slanted down and he swallowed trying to keep his hurt down. "I get it now. It's not about whether or not you believe that I could love you, but rather how you don't really feel strongly enough about _me_ for it to be worthwhile."

John shook his head, and started to say something, but Rodney cut him off. "No,no, no, I get it." Rodney looked away, trying to hide the shame and humiliation he felt. "I don't understand how I can be such a genius in every other way, but when it comes to making people love me, I just fail every time."

John clenched his hands into fists, the splinted one looking bruised and vulnerable. He said, "Rodney, people love you. I -- listen, I care about you. I'd do anything for you. And I _have_. So don't tell me how I feel or don't feel. My -- feelings aren't in dispute here."

Rodney's chin went up. "Mine are? Okay, you know what? I feel humiliated enough for today."

"Rodney--" John stood as Rodney rose and turned toward the door.

Rodney turned around, pointed his finger at John and said in a tight, broken way, "Don't ever accuse me of being a coward again."

"I've never thought you were a coward Rodney. Well, not in a very long time."

"Yeah, well, I never thought you were either. Until now. You don't even like pie, but you're afraid of cake. At least I like both and I'm willing to eat my fill."

John's voice was rough when he said, "The food metaphor is really working for you, huh?"

"You know, forget it. I don't need to feel like an asshole when it comes to you. I'm humiliated enough that I ever thought that maybe you'd--forget it. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I'm used to shame and self-loathing. And, apparently, so are you."

Rodney's stomach had been in his throat, his heart beating too fast, and all he could hear was a rushing in his ears, because this was playing out just like every relationship _ever_ played out for him. Rodney had walked out at that point because John looked like he might throw up, or like he was in so much pain that he couldn't stand it.

Rodney worried that he might have gone too far, even though it was all true, and he was angry that he felt guilty about causing John pain when _he_ was broken up inside. Besides, pushing the issue was a bad idea. John might change his mind about letting Rodney stay on the team, which was terrifying. The idea of some other scientist, who wasn't half as brilliant as he was, being in a position of having to save John's ass all of the time – and possibly failing? Rodney couldn't deal with the thought.

A few minutes later, Rodney stood outside the quarters that Addie had been assigned. Oh, what the hell? He was having a spectacularly craptastic day, and this was, he supposed, something he should do. He raised his hand to knock, and then dropped it. What if it just made things worse? If he left now, he could come back another time when he didn't feel like he'd been ripped to shreds inside. But he was starting to wonder if that particular day was going to come around again.

"She hoped you'd come." Ronon said walking down the hall toward him with a cafeteria tray loaded with food. He thrust it at Rodney. "Give this to her. Tell her I'll be by later."

"What? Wait—where are you going?"

"Sparring," Ronon said over his shoulder, not looking back.

Rodney gazed down at the sandwich, potato chips, blue jello, mac-n-cheese, grapes and melons, napkin, fork and knife. Food that Ronon had chosen for Addie. Rodney found it strangely intimate. He knocked on the door, his stomach still twisted in knots. He wasn't hungry, not even looking at all of that food, and that said a lot.

Addie answered, saying, "Thank God, I'm starving – oh, Da—I mean, Rodney. I mean, Dr. McKay. Hi. Come on in."

She took the tray from him, and Rodney came in slowly, looking around at the tousled bed and the books stacked on the desk; he tipped his head to examine the titles and was relieved to see several legitimate science texts as well as some of the marine biology stuff he'd heard she liked.

Rodney said, "I – uh, I came because -- well, I'm not very good at this sort of thing."

Addie gave a small half-smile and lifted a shoulder. "Good at what? You're good at nearly everything."

"No, not with this kind of thing. I've been…what I've done, or not done—how I've treated you, well, it's been unworthy of me, lacking in generosity or empathy. Don't get me wrong, I'm notoriously bad with empathy. I mean, this one time I--- well, you can ask John."

"I believe you," Addie said, sitting down on the bed next to a small bundle of blue and white blankets that moved. "Do you want to meet him?"

"Oh," Rodney moved his hands frantically, as though waving the child away. Addie held her son out toward Rodney, and he shook his head. "No, no, no. No thanks. I'm not very good with babies either. Or children. I don't really—like them."

Addie simply asked, "Rodney, isn't this why you came?"

Rodney swallowed hard and said, "Well, yes. I guess so, and I should just, well, yes…" He took the small bundle in his arms, looked down at the tiny hands tucked up next to the infant's face. The child was so small and helpless, it seemed ridiculous that humans were born in such vulnerable bodies. Rodney touched his soft cheek with a finger and felt the gentle give of the skin.

"He looks like…you," Addie said. "Don't you think?"

Rodney let out a strange noise and then said, "I think he looks like his father."

Addie stood next to Rodney, touching the back of his arm, and leaned down to kiss her son's head. "Yes, him, too."

::::

 

_Dr. Franklin:_ Dr. Lowell has agreed to turn your treatment over to me for the time being. How do you feel about that, Addie?

_Addie:_ Fine.

_Dr. Franklin:_ Good. I've already reviewed your files and previous sessions with Dr. Lowell. I had a few questions that I was hoping you would answer for me.

_Addie:_ Okay. I'll try.

_Dr. Franklin:_ Tell me about your husband, Addie. You've refused to discuss him in the past. Do you believe you can talk about him now?

_Addie:_ Okay…I think I am finally ready to do that. Oh, where to start?

_Addie:_ When I was twenty-one, a few years after the Wraith were permanently defeated, my fathers decided to return to Atlantis. My pop was offered the position of Commander of the Atlantis expedition. There were always plenty of military and civilian issues in Pegasus Galaxy, and he was an ideal candidate to handle those situations. All of those civilizations finally coming out from under the threat of the Wraith? They were a mess. And, of course, my dad applied for and was given the position of Chief of Science and Research on the expedition, which my pop said was basically just a nice way of saying "Tyrant Supreme Over All Scientists Great and Small—Mostly Small".

_Dr. Franklin:_ Families were permitted in Pegasus at this time?

_Addie:_ No, not really. I applied for and was granted permission to join them as a junior marine biologist. My dad was pretty pleased that I had decided to go with them to Pegasus. Leaving me behind had been a sticking point for both of them, and my decision and acceptance into the program made them both happy.

_Dr. Franklin:_ You met your husband in Pegasus?

_Addie:_ Yes. The first time I saw him, it took my breath away. I was so scared of him, I could barely breathe or move. He was huge, so tall, and his hair was wild, and all streaked with gray. I was just a kid, and here he was just over fifty, and yet… Oh, all I could do was think about him. My fathers treated him like family, so he was around all of the time. I was embarrassed to be so in love with him, and I knew that he was oblivious to me. Like I said, I was just a kid. So, to spare myself the agony, I took a position as the coordinator of a marine wild life preserve on the mainland of the planet.

_Dr. Franklin:_ Did it work?

_Addie:_ It might have, but four weeks into it, he showed up at my doorstep, holding five fish on a string, and said, "Thought I'd bring you some dinner." So, what could I do? I kissed him.

_Dr. Franklin:_ And that was that?

_Addie:_ Oh, there was some drama, he was much older, and my fathers were not entirely overjoyed at first, but, yeah…that was that. My fathers got over it…eventually. My husband was a tender, caring man, and I was happy. It was too perfect to last.

_Dr. Franklin:_ Do you really believe that?

_Addie:_ You know, I don't know. Before the rift, I often wondered what I'd done to deserve my life, because, well, I wasn't a bad person, but I wasn't amazing either. I wasn't a hero – well, unless you asked the whales and they weren't talking.

_Dr. Franklin:_ Addie, you still haven't said his name.

_Addie:_ Right. His name. Well, his name was Ronon Dex.

::::

Teyla observed Rodney watching Jennifer from across the cafeteria. She was smiling and talking to Dr. Lowell, leaning over to touch his arm and laughing at something he said. "Huh," Rodney said to himself. "How about that?"

"Yes. Is that not surprising?" Teyla asked.

"No, not really. What's surprising is how much I totally don't care," Rodney said.

Teyla was surprised to see that he was sincere. His mood was not improved, though, and, in fact, over the last few days, she had noticed a serious deterioration, to the extent that she'd assumed that he knew about Jennifer's flirtation with Dr. Lowell. But if that was not the cause…

Teyla said, cautiously, "That is good, Rodney. You are healing."

Rodney shrugged. "Yeah, well."

The set of Rodney's jaw, and the way his lips drew into a crooked, trembling line reminded Teyla of John's expression at breakfast, a strange mix of worry, despair, and frustration. When she'd asked what was plaguing his mind, he'd muttered something about the eggs being runny, before hurriedly excusing himself.

"Have you and John had a disagreement, Rodney? You have both been behaving very strangely."

Rodney said, "A disagreement? Us? _Please_. What would we have to disagree about?" Rodney stood up hastily. "I have to go. Zelenka is an idiot and, well,—"

Teyla interrupted Rodney's attempt at an excuse. "I really must be going, too, if I am to meet Ronon for sparring."

Throughout her workout, whenever her mind came back to Rodney and John, Ronon would land a blow, so she put it away, and concentrated on the wonderful feeling of landing her own punchess and kicks. Ronon was her favorite sparring partner, because he was resourceful and full of surprises. He was the only one on Atlantis who truly challenged her in hand-to-hand combat.

Afterwards, Teyla was out of breath as she passed Ronon's water bottle to him and wiped the sweat off of her brow. She asked, "How does Addie fare?"

"Great. She says she could run a marathon."

"The child is quite handsome. I think he will grow to be a fine boy."

Ronon nodded and took a long drink of his water before saying, "Like Torin."

"Thank you. I agree." Teyla paused before asking, "Does she speak to you of him?"

Ronon did not misunderstand this time. "We don't talk about him."

Teyla nodded and was surprised when Ronon continued on his own. "When it was McKay – I thought it would feel like an abomination. Maybe it would if it were – not Addie. And when I look at the baby — when I look at Dex - I just see Sateda."

Teyla smiled and touched his arm. "That is wonderful to hear."

Ronon shrugged.

"I imagine that she feared your reaction."

"She said she wanted to be sure. That she was doing it for him. Not for her."

Teyla smiled. In the end, it hadn't mattered, but of course Addie could not have known that. Teyla rarely meddled or gossiped, but Ronon was not one to share unless prodded. "She is a kind woman. Do you know if she will be leaving Atlantis now that she is better emotionally and no longer heavy with child?"

Ronon flung his bottle of water aside and said, "The child is Satedan. He should know who he is. That's what his father would have wanted. It's what I would want."

"I see." Teyla wrapped the towel around her neck and followed Ronon into the hallway. She had expected nothing else.

A page came over the radio for both Ronon and herself, as well as Rodney, to report to the main conference room. When they arrived, a man was standing at the front of the room with John and Mr. Woolsey. He was called Ed Hartnet, Teyla believed. She had met him once at an Athosian festival several years before, and he had been very complimentary in his inebriation.

"Well, kids, it looks like our downtime has come to an end," John said.

"Downtime?" Rodney snorted. "Speak for yourself. Some people's work is never ending, and, apparently, utterly thankless—"

"Ignore him," John said to Ed. "Give them the situation."

Ed smiled at Rodney who made an unpleasant noise in return, and then took the floor. "Well, due to Atlantis's location, shipping, naval, and submarine routes have been altered, and, as you may know, the use of sonar among the submarines, especially, can result in the whales being thrown off course."

Ed indicated the map behind him. "Here's where we are located, right in the middle of what used to be prime submarine training grounds, which was great – because the whales usually migrate in _this_ direction," Ed indicated a path far from Atlantis. "…moving down from Alaska, and passing through these waters. Here. Now, though, we're looking at a situation where subs have been performing maneuvers using sonar directly in the path of the whales' usual migration."

"Oh my God." Rodney said. "Tell me this mission does not involve whales."

"Aw, c'mon, Rodney," John said. "Your old pal Sam would thank you for saving her relations."

"This is what we have marine biologists _for_," Rodney went on. "I have a lot better ways to be spending my day. The Wraith-weapon, for instance. My work is—"

"Very important, yadda-yadda, suck it up, you're going."

Ed started talking again. "Right about here, there is a family of whales that have gotten off-track. This is dangerous for the _whales_ for many reasons, but, right now, what we're most worried about is that they're moving into an area where our government is testing some very expensive, super-stealth, one person micro-subs, and, well, the US government isn't interested in losing a ton of money, and possibly some lives, if these micro-subs get damaged by wayward whales."

John stepped forward then. "Our mission is to take two cloaked puddle jumpers that Zelenka has modified to emit whale song—"

Rodney snorted and rolled his eyes.

John continued pointedly glaring at McKay, "…that will, hopefully, lead our friendly whale pals back toward the rest of their herd."

Rodney threw up his hands. "You have got to be kidding me. I'm giving up working on the Wraith-weapon for _this_? I mean, surely there are other teams—"

"Rodney, are you on this team or not?" John asked, a challenge in his voice that Teyla picked up on immediately.

"Yes, yes. Fine."

As they headed toward the jumpers, Teyla walked next to Ronon and they exchanged several looks. She shook her head and sighed. Teyla had no doubt that the great Creator had an unbelievably cruel sense of humor. John and Rodney were a perfect example. Of all the people to fall in love…. She hoped they wouldn't do too much damage in their inevitable crash into each other.

::::

John thought the mission was going well. It was him and Ronon in one jumper and Teyla and Rodney in the other. The whales took the bait like a child takes candy, and they drew them toward their herd with ease.

It was the return trip when it all went to hell.

Somehow, the navigation on Rodney and Teyla's jumper went haywire and John watched helplessly as it careened out of control, narrowly missing the side of their ship, drove down into the depths, and then off course toward shallower realms and out of sight.

"Pull up, Rodney," he yelled.

"I _am_ pulling up. It's not responding. I think that the—oh, hell. Oh, no, oh no, oh no, oh no—"

Radio silence followed and by the time they located the jumper, it was taking on water from a crash into the underwater cliff. Time slowed down, and every second that it took to establish the shields around the two jumpers, holding the water back, so that Ronon could get to their jumper and open the door seemed to be hours.

Ronon banged on the door, and it did not open, and it did not open. John envisioned Rodney's eyes bulging and his mouth open in a gape as water cascaded into his lungs. "Dammit, Ronon, hurry up."

Ronon began to pull and the door slid apart. Teyla stood just inside supporting Rodney, both of them covered in blood and soaked with water. Rodney's leg was wrong. Very wrong. John wiped his hand over his mouth to keep from throwing up, and cursed that he had to stay at the controls. It took another lifetime for Ronon and Teyla to get Rodney into the jumper.

"It is a scalp wound," Teyla said, touching Rodney's head. "They bleed quite freely. And there is his leg. Otherwise, I believe he will live."

"Live? _Live?_" Rodney screeched. "Kill me! Do you see my leg? Kill me! I want to die. It's not meant to bend that way. It hurts! Kill me!" Suddenly, he looked at John and said, "Did I say kill me? Never mind. I never said that. Don't kill me, but knocking me out. That'd be good. Where are the drugs? I need drugs!"

John said, "Rodney, buddy, we're almost there. Hold on."

They weren't anywhere close. They all wanted to die by the time they got back to Atlantis; the sedatives in the first aid kit wore off quickly, and Rodney's screaming and moaning led Ronon to ask several times if he could just punch Rodney until he was unconscious. John almost agreed.

John paced the infirmary getting in everyone's way, until Jennifer finally said that Rodney was drugged out of his mind, but John could see him if he liked.

Rodney's eyes were closed and he seemed to be resting peacefully. John sighed. Maybe he needed to just give it up and admit that he was in the most dysfunctional relationship of his life, and maybe he should try to do something to make it a little more functional. Like just give up and fall with the gravity and deal with the crash as it happened. Rodney seemed pretty sure that the payoff would outweigh the problems.

"I'm sorry, buddy," John whispered, sitting in the chair by the bed. "I thought it'd be nice to get out of the city, go on a mission, kind of like old times, but…I'm sorry."

John didn't think Rodney was as drugged as Jennifer had made him out to be, because he opened his eyes and said, "Sorry? For what? Is it your fault that Zelenka is an idiot who should never be allowed near jumpers again for as long as he lives and breathes?"

Rodney closed his eyes again and then yelled out, "Hello? Where's the food around here? There are sick people who need their strength! I'm going to pass out from manly hunger if I don't get something to eat soon."

John rolled his eyes, and fought the urge to grab Rodney's hand and kiss it. When he looked up, Rodney was staring at him. "Seriously, John, though, if you're going to be sorry for something – let's put it this way, if I _had_ died, would it have been worth it?"

"I'm sure the whales would think so."

Rodney shook his head and, surprisingly, said nothing. John knew what he was talking about, though, and was grateful that Rodney didn't make as scene in the infirmary about it. John thought about the risks they took on nearly every day, and the idea that Rodney could die during any one of them, hell, he could have a coronary and die tomorrow, and, no, it wouldn't have been worth it. He glanced around and then carefully placed a kiss in the middle of McKay's forehead, and said, "See you later."

Rodney grabbed his wrist and John looked back at him. "Really?"

"Yeah. Really."


	7. Chapter 7

"In Antarctica, there was this guy, Will —"

"Shut up, McKay," John said.

"Are you jealous?" Rodney nipped John's neck and started trying to get John's pants open. Rodney was just in boxers, and John had his hands all over him, which was great, but Rodney wanted to touch, too.

"No, I just want you to shut up for once."

"Come on, you love it when I talk. I mean, you love _me_, you said so, more than once, and that means you love what I do, and what I do is talk—and save everyone's ass all of the time with my amazing genius."

John rested his forehead against Rodney's chest. "Jeez, Rodney, I'm trying to make love to you. Can you just shut up and try to enjoy it?"

"Oh, I'm enjoying it!" Rodney exclaimed. "I mean, you could be doing more, obviously," he gestured toward his chest. "Like my nipples – they're really sensitive, so while you're down there, why don't you just—"

John growled and Rodney whimpered when John stood and walked across the room. Rodney sat up, clutching his leg cast and said, "Where are you going? You haven't changed your mind again, have you, because I swear to God, I will hunt you down, and—"

"No, I haven't changed my mind. I just need to get—" John dug around in the bag he'd brought and then came back toward the bed with his hands behind his back. "I didn't think we'd have to get this kinky right away."

Rodney rolled his eyes when John pulled out the gag. "Oh, please, you totally want me to gag _you_ and tie _you_ up. I know who the sub is here, and it isn't me."

"Yeah, well, you're in a pretty restrictive cast, now, aren't you? I'm not sure how much say you have in the matter. So, either you be quiet and let me have sex with you, or I gag you. How do you want it to be, Rodney?"

"Um, can we do both? Like regular sex now and gagged sex later?"

John rolled his eyes. "What do you think, Rodney?"

"I think yes?"

"Shhh."

Rodney moaned as John's mouth slid on his neck and he closed his eyes, and he really tried hard not to talk, but by the time John's mouth was on his cock, he really couldn't help himself. And, thank God, somewhere along the way John got his clothes off, too, and Rodney couldn't stop touching. He'd been with men before, but no one like John, who took it slow and made it last, and seemed to love every last thing about what they were doing, and, damn, had an amazing ass. Rodney was fairly sure he'd said all of that out loud, which was, truly, becoming a very bad habit.

When it was over, and it was over too soon, even though according to the clock it had been almost forty minutes, John stretched out next to him, sweaty and flushed, and said, "Yeah, you talk a lot, McKay."

"It's a gift."

"If you say so."

"Oh, come on, you found it hot. You know you did."

"I am so screwed."

Rodney slapped John's hip. "Not yet. Wait until I've tapped that ass."

John laughed. "Sexy, McKay. You know how to sweet talk a guy."

"Like I said, it's a gift."

 

::::

Rodney was so absorbed in complaining about his leg and bragging about how he was about to win the game of chess that he was playing with John, that he didn't notice when Addie came in with several other scientists and sat down at the table behind them. John could tell that Addie hadn't seen either of them, either. She was talking a mile a minute, her hands waving in the air, and John smirked as he listened.

"First off…you don't argue a case about sonar in court by focusing only on CO2 levels in the water. The atmosphere is a far bigger contributor to the problem."

Rodney kicked John under the table. "Don't tell me there's a hot brunette at the table behind me who has captured your flirtatious attentions. Stop teasing the women, Sheppard."

John jerked his head in Addie's direction and Rodney turned around and groaned. "You can bat your eyes at her all you want, but she's on to you, idiot."

"Shut up and listen, Rodney."

Rodney sighed and half turned in his seat, listening to Addie rant to her colleagues.

She said, "The sheer _stupidity_ of that argument, especially as imagined by the wanna-be 'Chicken Little's' of the science world, is preposterous. I mean, if we want to scream that the sky is falling, the truth is much more terrifying than their half-assed assessment. Listen, the work shows that ocean acidification from fossil fuel CO2 invasion and reduced ventilation will result in significant decreases in ocean sound absorption for frequencies lower than about 10 kHz. The effect on whales and other marine animals is inarguable, but to approach it from the angle that the atmosphere is secondary is pure idiocy!"

"Come on, Addie, pick a side, just yesterday you were arguing that the use of sonar is necessary for 'military purposes'."

John thought the guy was named Astor, but he wasn't sure. All he knew is that when Addie's eyes narrowed, and she leaned forward in a menacing manner, John was kind of scared.

"Are you not keeping up with the political situation on this planet? I know that we're all hoping to get to Pegasus sooner rather than later, but what's going on here politically is positively pre-apocalyptic in nature. Did you know that China recently surfaced a submarine in the middle of a US carrier group during routine US naval exercises in the Pacific? It was a message to the US. Did we get the message? Not as marine biologists, we didn't. No, we're all touchy-feely animal lovers, right? So, it's okay if China gets a submarine through our screen of destroyers and escorts, the navy should turn off the sonar and save the whales? Right? If there's going to be an Earth to keep on saving from the Wraith, there's got to be another solution. It's not an either/or scenario."

"And what might that solution be? I mean, we can't just adjust the pH of the entire ocean. It's not feasible."

"We'll see about that," Addie said, sitting back in her seat, and then looking at her watch. "Oh. Time's up. The child will be wanting lunch." She indicated her rather huge rack. Her colleagues either laughed good naturedly or appeared to feel it was good riddance.

John nodded at her as she stood up and caught his eye. She paused and put a hand on his arm. "Who's winning?" she asked.

"I am," John said at the same time as Rodney.

"No, really, I am," Rodney said again.

"So you think," John said and shot Rodney a flirty look.

Addie said, "I'm glad to see you up and about, Rodney. The cane is very debonair."

"Luckily for his lab assistants he only has to use it another week," John said, and Rodney brandished the cane at him in a threat.

Addie laughed and said, "Well, I'm sure they're idiots who can only benefit from being knocked in the head once or twice. See you around."

John pressed his lips together to repress a smile when Rodney said, "Hey…I, uh, couldn't help overhearing and, I—well, have you read Glass's work on—"

"I have actually," Addie said.

"Oh," Rodney seemed disappointed.

John caught Addie's eye and lifted his brows a little.

"But, I, uh…I had a hard time with some of it," Addie said, only a little disingenuously. "I could use help with the math and how it applies to this project of mine, actually."

"Oh, well, then—"

"Could I come by your lab to look it over with you?"

"Sure. Just, you know—" Rodney started waving her away, turning his attention back to the board. "If I'm not busy."

Addie smiled. "Great. I'll see you later."

Rodney said, "Well, if she couldn't understand the math in Glass's work, I can't imagine we'll have much to say to each other, but if she wants to waste her time—"

"I think it'll be fine, Rodney," John said, moving his chess piece. "Checkmate."

"What??? How did you do that? There's no way. You cheated! Is there a security camera in here? I want to see the playback. You moved something while she had me distracted."

John smiled and folded up the board. "Loser buys beer. Oh, and by the way, apparently Addie had two fathers. Her version of you and her version of me. Go figure."

"_What?_"

"Yeah. Loser buys beer." John loved every last second of the angry rant that followed that announcement. As Rodney built up steam while they walked toward John's quarters, John was already getting hard, because he knew just what kind of payback Rodney would want to give, and John loved taking it.

::::

**Two Months Later**

 

John stood in the doorway and watched Rodney working in the lab. He folded the sheet of paper up and put it in his pocket. Rodney looked busy, so the good news could wait. Atlantis was cleared to return to Pegasus in two months time. He'd breathe a little easier when he and Rodney were out of the military's direct radar.

He thought about going to Addie's room and telling her first. He knew she'd been waiting for the news. Instead, he went to the cafeteria and joined Ronon and Teyla. He didn't tell them either, even though he'd thought he would. It felt like a warm fire of joy in his chest whenever he thought about it, and he realized that he wasn't ready to share that yet.

Twenty minutes into an enjoyable meal, McKay joined them, and as he sat down, he gingerly handed John a small plate of orange jello. "Here, have this death in jiggle form. I know how you like it."

Ronon choked a little on his food. John accepted the offering and, after glancing over his shoulder, said, "Jeez, McKay, why not just announce it to the whole world."

"Announce what?" McKay asked, looking with panic between Ronon and Teyla.

John smiled as Ronon and Teyla began laughing at him, and Rodney made his pissy face and said, "Oh, shut up. All of you. How—how do they know anyway? When did you tell them?"

John lifted his brows.

"The orange jello was a dead give away," Ronon said, standing up with his tray and walking toward Addie who'd just come in with Dex in a wrap on her chest.

"Oh, clever," Rodney said. "Orange and dead. Haha. Very funny."

John took a bite of the jello and said in a whisper, "Mmm, mmm, tastes just like 'I love you'."

Teyla gathered up her tray and said, also in a whisper, "I am happy for you both." She continued in a normal tone, "Enjoy your lunch."

Rodney spluttered. "I think you should've informed me that you were going to tell them—"

"Come on, McKay, they've known for awhile now. I was just easing the tension for them a little, letting them know that I know that they know. They'll be discreet. Besides, it made them happy."

"Ronon didn't seem happy."

"What? That was Ronon overjoyed!" John shifted in his seat, and then leaned forward, saying, "And it made _me_ happy, all right?"

Rodney's eyes sparkled as he leaned forward and said, "Oh, so you admit that I was right? This makes you happy. See? Never doubt my genius. I am truly the smartest man you'll ever know."

John found Rodney's brand of smug to be disturbingly charming. "Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head."

Besides, John thought, it was probably true.

::::

 

Ronon sat on Addie's bed holding Dex. The child was growing daily. Sometimes, Ronon woke up to see the baby in the bedside cradle, and thought he'd grown over night. He was a strong baby with a healthy set of lungs, and he'd just used them to exhaust himself.

Addie sat beside him on the bed, her gown open a little in the front from having fed Dex. Her breasts were almost exposed, and looking at the soft swell of them peeking from her gown, Ronon remembered the sweet and receptive response of her body under him the night before. He felt warm remembering her moans and whimpers, and he shifted a little, wondering if Dex would slumber deeply, so that he could explore Addie again.

Addie noticed his expression and smiled. "Maybe he'll let us have some time," she said, leaning over and brushing a kiss on Ronon's shoulder. "But, first –" She indicated the ornate box she'd brought out from one of her drawers a bit earlier. As Ronon rocked the sleeping Dex back and forth in his hands, Addie continued, "I want to tell you something. I need to, I guess."

Ronon placed the baby gently on the bed, in between his spread legs, and gave Addie his full attention.

She said, "It's about him. I know we don't speak of him, but I want you to know."

Ronon nodded his head in consent. He'd never wanted to know about her Ronon. At first it was because that Ronon meant nothing to him, but looking at Dex, he couldn't feel that way anymore. Later, it was because he had started to feel a strange jealousy of the man whom Addie had loved first, who had fathered her child, and done what Ronon knew he would do in the same situation – he'd forced her to leave, and saved their lives. The jealousy made him uncomfortable, but now, he could acknowledge that he owed the man a debt – he'd sent Addie to him, and Dex, too, and for that he could only be grateful. If Addie needed to tell him something about that Ronon, then he would hear her out. He owed the man and the wife that Addie had been at least that much.

Addie was trembling as she spoke and Ronon reached out to put his hand on her shoulder to help hold her together. "The night before the rift caught up with us we ate alone together for the first time in weeks. I didn't know yet that it was our last night, but I know now that he did. He--" Addie's voice broke a little, but she cleared her throat, pushed her hair out of her face, and looked Ronon in the eye. "He woke me up around 3:00 in the morning, and we...made love and when it we were done, he handed me a knife and told me to cut his hair. I asked him why, but he just told me to do it. So I did."

"He asked you to cut off his hair."

"Yes."

"He knew that he was going to die."

"Yes. At the time, I thought it was a natural thing, because the rift was coming, and he was ceremoniously preparing himself. I didn't remember that the hair is for the widow and children. I should have known what he was planning."

Ronon touched her face with his other hand as she went on, "It took hours, cutting through one piece at a time, and I finally gave up. He was in the bed with me until I fell asleep, but by the next morning when the announcement was made, he had finished it himself." Addie indicated the box. "He packed a bag for me. It just had a few clothes in it, this box, and a couple of other things. I needed to tell you about this because—" Addie opened the box.

Ronon fingered the lock of hair and said, "For Dex."

Addie bit her lip, fighting tears.

"It's okay to cry for him," Ronon said.

"But I'm tired of crying, " Addie said, laughing as the tears came anyway. "And he wouldn't have wanted my tears."

"I'm glad he did what he did. He wouldn't have wanted your tears. But he deserved them."

Ronon pulled Addie into his arms, holding both her and her Ronon's son tight against his chest, feeling her soft hair and the baby's gurgling mouth on his bare skin.

 

::::

Woolsey called Addie to his office to discuss the return to Pegasus Galaxy. He felt that the woman should know what she was getting into before he authorized her to accompany them on their return. As she entered his office, she walked with a great deal more confidence than when he'd first seen her, but there was a quality to her that he assumed would probably never go away – a deep sorrow, a heavy burden, and a hardiness that marked her as strong, because she had already weathered too much.

After Addie sat down, Woolsey began with pleasantries. "How is your son, Ms. McKay?"

"Call me Addie, please. My son is amazing. He seems to eat up the entire world with his eyes. He is beyond anything I imagined."

"That's wonderful to hear," Woolsey said, a little uncomfortable. He'd never been comfortable with children. They smelled funny and spit-up on his suits.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Woolsey, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get back to an experiment I've been working on. I was hoping to finish it before my son's next feeding, which should be in…" Addie consulted her watch. "Forty-five minutes."

Woolsey said, "I appreciate your forthrightness, Addie. The reason I've asked you here is because John Sheppard and Ed Hartnet have informed me that you've put in for a permanent position on Atlantis and hope to return to Pegasus Galaxy with us."

"That's correct, sir."

Woolsey sucked in his lips thoughtfully, before saying, "Addie, I wanted to give you an opportunity to truly understand what kind of place you'd be going to if you go with us. It isn't the Pegasus Galaxy that you came from—"

"I'm fully aware of that, Mr. Woolsey."

"Let me continue. I know that as far as authorities here on Earth are concerned, your return to Pegasus Galaxy is a desirable outcome. You will continue to give interviews with whoever should want to interrogate you about your history, as well as meet with a therapist for probably the rest of your life. We both know those are all taped sessions and will be reviewed at length by government psychologists and other experts on Earth for years to come as both training material and out of simple interest in your story.

"In addition, if you return to Pegasus with us, you will be a contributing member of our society and, being away from Earth, not a security risk to them in the same way you would be if you remained. And, yet, I worry about your choice. I feel that you are not fully informed of what it is you will be facing, and what, exactly, you will be subjecting your son to."

Woolsey brought a small DVD player out of his desk drawer and set it in front of Addie. He pressed play and watched the horror unfurl on her face as images of a Wraith feeding on a human played on the screen. "That was captured by a security feed. There are untold number of Wraith in the Pegasus Galaxy. They are bent on finding Atlantis and, thus, a way to Earth. They nearly succeeded. There is no guarantee that you will never face a Wraith, or even an army of them."

Addie swallowed hard and her hand covered her mouth. Woolsey glanced at the screen which now showed video footage of Ronon Dex fighting multiple Wraith on his home world of Sateda. "That is Ronon Dex doing what he does best. It was filmed by a Wraith hunter – we were able to salvage the drone recording the events, and have used the film in training others on how to fight Wraith. As you can see, they're powerful, dangerous, and incredibly difficult to kill."

"I – never knew," Addie began.

"That's why I wanted to show you," Woolsey said, turning off the player, and folding his hands. He was confident he'd done the right thing. "I think that it would be very wise for you to consider staying here on Earth, and start a new life here with your son."

"What kind of future would I have here on Earth, Mr. Woolsey? I'd have to live a life based on lies, away from anything or anyone familiar to me."

"We could help you with that. We have experts at recreating lives for people. You could have a new past and start over. You might meet someone and provide a normal life for your son."

"Because a made-up past and more baggage than any other human being around me could ever imagine, isn't an intimacy killer? Seriously, Mr. Woolsey, give it some thought. They'd be telling me about the time their dog died and the trophies they won in high school, and I couldn't tell them a single real thing about my life. Why would I want that, when I can have so much more?"

"I realize that you and Ronon have begun—"

"No, I'm sorry, what you don't understand, what I was going to say about the video is that I never knew my husband like that. When I met him, he was older and the Wraith were gone. Seeing that video? It didn't make want to leave. It made me want to stay and fight, because I _know_ what kind of world Pegasus could be without the Wraith."

"That's admirable, Addie, but—"

"Admirable? You have no idea. It's got nothing to do with valor, and everything to do with rage. Do you know what the Wraith took from me? They took my entire reality and everyone that I have ever known or loved. Billions and billions of people are dead because of the Wraith. Just yesterday, Zelenka and Dr. Johansson came up with an idea that Rodney thinks will help them to recreate my father's weapon. I intend to be there when they use it. _This_ time? We will not fail to destroy them all."

"Addie, you are a brave woman, but you've suffered so much already. I understand that you're angry—"

"I _am_ angry. The day I'm no longer angry will be the day I die. I'm angry at the Wraith. I'm angry at my fathers and my husband. What they did to me by sending me here? It was cruel. Yet they did it out of love – a deep, abiding, endless love. I know that. It doesn't make me less angry; it just makes me more complicated."

"All right, Addie. I will say only this as one last plea for you to reconsider: think of your son."

"That video confirmed for me everything I need to know. I've been loved by a man almost exactly like Ronon before, and I know to what extent he would go to keep us safe."

"Addie...this Ronon, how you can be sure that he will love you the same way?"

"I'm sure enough."

Woolsey sighed. Clearly, the woman was stubborn and driven by a resolution that only someone who has already lost everything can summon up. "In that case, I have to approve your application to accompany us. Good luck to you."

"Thank you, Mr. Woolsey."

::::

Rodney liked the way John's skin tasted, and the way he grunted and kicked Rodney in his sleep. Rodney liked the way John fit just perfectly on the right-hand side of the bed, and that John spent a few nights a week in his own room, because otherwise things just got too intense between them, and they'd have a fight.

Rodney _loved_ that John liked it best on his elbows and knees, but Rodney liked it even better face to face. Rodney liked playing video games after sex, or drinking beer on the pier, and he liked racing cars down the hallways, and he loved watching John's ass in his BDUs.

Rodney liked the noises that baby Dex made when John lifted him over his head and swooped him down like a bird. Rodney loved the expression on Addie's face as she watched. More than that, though, Rodney enjoyed helping Addie with her project, and it turned out the woman could do math after all, and was, if he did say so himself, not quite as smart as him, but smart enough in her own way that she was not an embarrassment to the genes. It was also possible that Rodney liked her as a person, too. Rodney wasn't entirely sure, actually, that when John suggested they all spend a week at the beach before taking the city back to Pegasus that Rodney's extension of the invitation to Addie and the baby was actually for Ronon's benefit.

Rodney loved his job, and he loved it even more when he saved everyone's asses _again_ by perfecting the weapon that Addie's Rodney had used to defeat the Wraith, and John rolled his eyes for days at Rodney's bragging. He liked the way Ronon punched him in the arm and made him almost cry in pain. Sometimes. Rodney loved the way Teyla laughed and wished he made her do it more often, because he could do with less of the severe looks that she shot him.

All in all –

Rodney loved his life. He hoped that John loved their life, too. Sometimes, he'd still be struck with fear that John would change his mind again – so he'd initiate sex to make sure John stayed distracted from his better judgment. And while Rodney didn't want John to think about it too much, he knew him well enough to know that no amount of distraction would keep John from taking the weight of the world on his shoulders, and that Rodney would be right there on top of it.

Rodney loved that about him.

::::

In the Pegasus Galaxy, at night Addie dreamed of a sky full of fish, and in the morning she woke to a beautiful sunrise, and a strong son. She told him stories of a life that happened, "Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away…". Some days she walked to the end of the pier where he'd been born and raised her arms to the sky, and said a blessing to the water and the sky for her life. On other days, she just closed her eyes and mouthed the words, "Thank you."

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Acknowledgments: Thank you to my girl Jed for never ever ever laughing at me in my fannish obsessions, for egging me on, for reading my stories, and listening to me talk about them for hours. I love you. Thank you to jooniper_pearl for being the first eyes to look over the roughest draft and for encouraging me along the way. Thank you to justabi for making my Rodney suck a lot less and giving me very specific writing instructions for one particular scene. Thank you to mecurtin for reviewing the draft and giving some constructive criticism. You guys are great! And thank you to the marine biology message boards for the info on the science stuff!
> 
> Disclaimer: The only thing I get by playing in this universe is some joy and fun. Stargate Atlantis belongs to MGM, and is produced by Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper. I just write fanfic.


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